I can't protect you without holding a sword.

Work.

Wed, 06 May 2009 21:48:48 GMT

Writing a love scene while at work is an awkward experience. Considering I find it hard to write anywhere other than home or in the Burger King's lobby when it's closed, I am proud for managing it.

So, uh...

Sat, 30 Aug 2008 01:23:36 GMT

*guilty face*

So a few messages have inspired to me actually post, because if there's one person wondering where the hell I've been, there's probably more.

In any case, pretty much all of my writing is on hiatus at the moment, since I've gotten a new job (which is awesome) that pays less than my old job (that part isn't as awesome) so I've been working an average of fifty hours a week between the two of them to continue making ends meet, not the mention I have a commute to the new job. Tack on social obligations, sleeping, eating, and other life functions, and I've had zero time for the internet. I should be doing other stuff even now. Anyone who raises kids, holds down a job, keeps a relationship afloat, and still has time to contribute to their fandoms deserves respect. Same goes from anyone in school!

I haven't been neglecting to comment on your stories because I hate you or anything; the internet has just fallen to the bottom of my priority pile. Hopefully in a few months I'll be able to quit my old job and free up some time, especially since I'm seriously considering going back to school... Okay, you are not here to listen to my blather on about real life, you want fiction, and I have none to offer. I am sorry.

FST DUMP!

Thu, 24 Apr 2008 06:17:28 GMT

Been planning on posting these for a while, but totally forgot about them. Hope you enjoy!

Without A Noise, Without My Pride: A Doumeki x Watanuki FST

1) Waiting for the World to Fall - Jars of Clay
it just might make the life I lead/ a little more than make-believe/ when all my skies are painted blue/ and all the clouds don't ever change the shape of who I am to you

For some reason, this song just screams "WATANUKI!" at me. In that melancholy yet hopeful sort of way.

2) Out of Line - Buckcherry
I will sacrifice, I promise I’ll behave/ I’ll keep my head high/ I’ll keep my foot out of the grave/ and I'm still out of line/ when it comes to you

Spider's-eye arc, anyone? God, I love protective, edge-of-control Doumeki.

3) Never Let You Down - Verve Pipe
Since I’ve met you I am past the hardest part/ so remember one thing/ I will never let you down

Again, Doumeki. In the vein of "Where's my thank-you gift?". :D

4) Sword and Shield - Sister Hazel
I will be there/ I will be the smallest piece in everything/ and I would give my life before I break this promise to you

I will never get over the sight of Doumeki, slumped and bloody, sitting outside Watanuki's door. Ever.

5) Signal Fire - Snow Patrol
All I wanted just sped right past me/ while I was rooted fast to the earth/ I could be stuck here for a thousand years/ without your arms to drag me out

All I can say: a ribbon in the rain for ten hours.

6) Do I Have To Say The Words? - Bryan Adams
I don't wanna let you go/ so I'm standing in your way/ I never needed anyone like I'm needin' you today

I &hearts subtext. A lot. And I can totally see Doumeki serenading Watanuki with this song.

7) Train Wreck - Sarah McLachlan
Would your eyes like midnight fireflies/ light up the trenches where my heart lies/ until I can see again/ to find my way back again

Another Watanuki song. He just begs to be saved. And the description of "eyes like midnight fireflies" fits Doumeki so well. If they were ever to admit to feelings, especially right after a rescuing, this song would be playing in the background.

8) Realize - Colbie Caillat
Take time to realize/ that I am on your side/ didn't I, didn't I tell you/ but I can't spell it out for you/ no it's never gonna be that simple/ no I cant spell it out for you

This just reminds of that tentative balance they have: not quite friendship, not quite anything more, and definitely not balanced.

9) Try Again - Keane
But I was made the way I am/ I'm not a stone; I'm just a man/ lay down your arms and I will lay down mine/ rip back the time that we've been wasting

They've changed so much over the course of the series, yet sometimes they still cling to old familiar habits; the bickering, the snarky comments, the avoidance of anything that resembles communication. I can see Doumeki, staring at the ceiling, wishing he could get up and go to Watanuki, but won't let himself. With this song playing in the background.

10) That's What You Get - Paramore
I wonder how am I supposed to feel when you're not here?/ cause I burned every bridge I ever built when you were here/ I still try holding onto silly things, I never learn

Watanuki lamenting how he got into this situation with Doumeki in the first place. :D

11) All For You - Sister Hazel
It's hard to say what it is I see in you/ wonder if I'll always be with you/ but words can't say, and I can't do/ enough to prove it's all for you

This one is equal parts Doumeki and Watanuki. The how long are we going to be thrown in together? finally transforming into I wouldn't have it any other way.

12) Seven - Vagiant
I got your back until I die/ I don't care if you don't want me sticking by/ I'll keep ten feet behind just to walk you home

Gotta take this one with a grain of salt - but I can totally see Doumeki singing this song to Watanuki when he's uncontrollably drunk. He'd have to be.

13) In Your Eyes - Peter Gabriel
all my instincts, they return/ and the grand facade, so soon will burn/ without a noise, without my pride/ I reach out from the inside

Because Doumeki will do anything to keep Watanuki from disappearing.

DL @ : Mediafire - Megaupload

1) Never Too Late - Three Days Grace
I have left alone/ everything that I own/ to make you feel like it's not too late/ it's never too late

I &hearts Kurogane so much, and he tries so hard to keep his little family together, through everything, at all costs. He just wants Fai to realize he's part of that, too.

2) Invincible - Muse
But please, please let's use this chance/ to turn things around/ and tonight we can truly say/ together we're invincible

This is a chapter 167 song - after that, with everything out in the open, they're so much more together than before. Side by side. Standing as partners again.

3) Circle - Sarah McLachlan
what kind of love is this that keeps me hanging on/ despite everything it's doing to me?/ what is this love that keeps me coming back for more/ when it will only end in misery?

Fai, wondering why he's letting himself get so close. It also reminds me of Fai and Ashura in Celes, especially the first verse.

4) All The Same - Sick Puppies
I don't care, no I wouldn't dare/ to fix the twist in you/ you've shown me eventually what you'll do/ I don't mind, I don't care/ as long as you're here

Kurogane tries so hard to make it clear to Fai that he doesn't need to hide his past - not only does he see right through it, it doesn't matter to him.

5) Trouble - Shawn Colvin
Now I know the business of the heart/ and it'll get you anyway it can/ you need someone to walk with in the dark, well/ I'm your man

Because they really are the parents. They're partners, they keep Syaoran and Sakura both going with their encouragement, and yet they are both troubled in their own way. And they will both go to the trouble for each other.

6) Please Forgive Me - David Gray
Throw a stone and watch the ripples flow/ moving out across the bay/ like a stone I fall into your eyes/ deep into that mystery/ deep into some mystery

Because they don't know what they're getting into, and neither of them would take it back. That much is obvious by this point in the series. Also, Fai and his flirting - he can't help it! :D

7) Over And Over - Three Days Grace
So here I go again/ chasing you down again/ why do I do this?/ over and over, over and over/ I fall for you

We all know neither of them can stay away, no matter how hard they try.

8) Is It Any Wonder? - Keane
It’s so long, that now I think I was wrong/ and you were laughing along/ and now I look a fool for thinking you were on my side

I can see Kurogane thinking this sort of thing in Infinity - How long must his lies go on? It's a bit jaded and a bit sardonic, and I bet Kurogane felt this way more than once during their journey.

9) Frail - Jars of Clay
Convinced of my deception/ I've always been a fool/ I fear this love reaction/ just like you said I would

A Fai song. Damn you, FWR, damn you to hell.

10) Savin' Me - Nickelback
Say it for me/ say it to me/ and I'll leave this life behind me/ say it if it's worth saving me

Fai just wants to be whisked away, carried off to a place of peace.

11) You Fight Me - Breaking Benjamin
I don't know what I want to be yet/ but I can show that I need to see this/ no time for lies and empty fights/ I'm on your side

This song just reminds me of that scene in acid!Tokyo, when Kurogane is desperate to keep Fai alive when Fai doesn't want him to. It's their whole relationship falling apart, right in front of his eyes - I can't imagine how much it hurt Kurogane to hear just his name when Fai woke up.

12) Sleep With Your Soul In - Alive In Wild Paint
While things you never thought you’d do/ and paths you never thought you’d choose/ are becoming all that you have left/ when you start feeling like a stranger to yourself/ and missing who you were before you became someone else/ I’ll be sleeping with my soul in/ scared to death you’re waking up to nothing again

This song reminds me mostly of Fai and how he was trying so hard to be something he wasn't. But it also brings to mind all those unspoken acknowledgments between him and Kurogane, all the things Fai never said that Kurogane understood anyway, much to his dismay.

Bonus Fai/Yuui song! Could It Be Any Harder - The Calling
I lie down and blind myself with laughter/ a quick fix of hope is what I'm needing/ and how I wish that I could turn back the hours/ but I know I just don't have the power

This song just reminds me of them, so close and unwilling to be parted, and how tragic it all ended up. ;_; It makes me want to cuddle them both.

DL @: Mediafire - Megaupload

Book suggestions?

Sat, 19 Apr 2008 05:23:56 GMT

...Annnnd suddenly I find myself bereft of a good fiction read. Have plenty of non-fiction since I'm currently reading three of them, but I always need fiction. So, flist, any suggestions? :D I'm always up for fantasy, light-hearted, sub-texty romance, and beautifully crafted worlds.

I think I've fallen off the manga bandwagon for the moment, although webcomics have become a new addiction. Specifically Questionable Content. Now I want my best friend to open up a coffee shop called Coffee of Doom someday so I can have a bookstore called Book of Horrors right next to it. With a door in between so you can wander back and forth.

Yeah, May's going to be a rough month for me, as my three best friends will be moving out of town. (Not to mention all three of them are co-workers, reducing the work=fun quotient.) I may be around more often then, hopefully not dipping back into life-sucking depression, and turning spare time/energy into fics or something. :/ With any stroke of luck (and please, whatever deities will listen, I wouldn't mind one around now) I will land the job at the library, quit the one I'm so burned out on, and not fall back into a cycle of chocolate and loneliness. Also, please to be stopping the freaky nightmares, subconscious? Kthxbai.

So pretty...

Sat, 29 Mar 2008 06:44:28 GMT

Just saw one of the cut-scenes from Crisis Core on my brother's PSP, and god, it's gorgeous. And now I kinda wanna play it. >_< WILL NOT GIVE IN. That's a lot of money for a game that's more likely to create more plotholes than resolve them. Plus, GACKT/GENESIS. I won't be able to stop giggling at how ridiculous that is. BUT THE CG IS SO BEAUTIFUL AND IT'S SEPHIROTH BEING ~~almost~~ HUMAN. AND NINE-YEAR-OLD YUFFIE. Maybe I'll just borrow it when he's done. Yes, that will work. ~~But oh, how the canon hurts. I don't think it can take anymore.~~

Ten hour shift + wandering around the block several times at eleven p.m. trying to figure out where my husband parked my car = cranky, cranky, cranky. Now that I have consumed an entire box of macaroni and cheese, it is time for bed.

EDIT: All my friends save one are enjoying the local con, and spamming me with pictures of cosplayers and fanart and themselves having immense amounts of fun. But I'm getting a bunch of random stuff (they won't tell me what they bought) and three DoumekixWatanuki doushinji out of it. And some random vendor called me a crazy yaoi fangirl over my friend's phone while she was trying to figure out which doushinji to buy me. One of which has been scanned, and two I've never seen before, so... But I'm grateful to have such awesome, crazy, and wonderful friends, yes.

I am such a sucker.

Tue, 25 Mar 2008 00:26:43 GMT

This song makes me want to play Final Fantasy VI. I know that re-releasing the Final Fantasy games is just a way for Squeenix to make money off something they've already done (a million times over) but god I wish they'd remake this for the DS like they've done for III and IV. I loved the SNES games, they're so iconic of my childhood that I don't care how shitty the gameplay is, or how lame the plot is from an adult perspective, or how cheesy the dialogue, I would play them over and over again just for the nostalgic rush. Sometimes I think the characters are so much better than anything after that - before they realized how many people would buy the games just because it's Final Fantasy.

*wanders off to see if she can find the PSone release on eBay*

ALSO: I really need to stop shopping online. Amazon has Final Fantasy Anthology, but if I spend 5 more dollars I get free shipping, so might as well get The Dark Tower Concordance, too, and oh look, Looking For Group has new merchandise! *headdesk* My almost-paid-off credit card does not thank me for this.

content strike!

Thu, 20 Mar 2008 19:50:21 GMT

For the record, I am participating in the content strike, and I hope everyone can curb the LJ addiction for one day to do the same! (Seriously, guys, it's high time we did something.)

Dear lj: you suck.

Thu, 20 Mar 2008 02:30:51 GMT

Just switched both my accounts back to basic while I still can! And have registered as vinval at InsaneJournal, if anyone wishes to friend. :-) Although I haven't even bothered to fill in my profile or anything yet. I will once my three-day-weekend kicks in. Yay!

I just finished typing up a scene from a story idea that's been kicking around in my head for a while, and was wondering if anyone would read it and give me some hard-core crit if I posted it? Because while I love fan-fiction, if I decide I want to get serious about getting published, I'm going to need to get my technique torn up, down, and sideways.

Bad news for me.

Sun, 16 Mar 2008 23:14:57 GMT

~~Internet is down for unspecified period of time. Posting from brother's computer which hates me. So, um, see you around eventually?~~

MAR. 19th: Of course, as soon as I post this, it gets fixed that night.

whaaa?

Wed, 12 Mar 2008 18:56:17 GMT

Holy cow, I just noticed somebody anonymously linked a Smashing Pumpkins album download to Because Love 9 as a Christmas present. How did I miss this? If you're part of my flist, thank you! Sorry I'm so unobservant, I don't know how I missed it.

Scan help?

Tue, 11 Mar 2008 06:59:51 GMT

godamnit, I am having the hardest time finding colored scans of xxxHolic. Surfing LJ and deviantART has yielded very, very little and since I have no artistic abilities, doing it myself is out.

So I guess I'm asking if anyone could point me in the right direction? Or give me searching tips? I really have no idea what I'm doing on the internet anymore.

EDIT: Oh! And if you're into Naruto at all, please watch this and comment! My friend made this AMV and it's awesome (and I don't even watch Naruto) and she needs more love for her amazingness, since I know she spent three sleepless, foodless days trying to make it perfect. Please?

I will shut up about RL soon, I swear.

Sun, 09 Mar 2008 22:05:19 GMT

TODAY = MALICIOUS GLEE.

SERIOUSLY, SERIOUSLY GUYS THIS IS THE BEST DAY I'VE HAD IN MONTHS. HE'S GETTING FIRED FOR MAKING RACIST COMMENTS IN AN ATTEMPT TO GET SENT HOME EARLY. SERIOUSLY, SERIOUSLY, HE'S GETTING FIRED IT HAS ONLY TAKEN TWO YEARS OF GENERAL INCOMPETENCY AND RACISM FOR US TO EVOLVE TO THIS LEVEL.

Rant rant rant.

Fri, 07 Mar 2008 07:27:52 GMT

"Republicans decried the bill [that grants more rights in same-sex domestic partnerships] for whittling away at the institution of marriage, saying the deterioration of marriage between a man and a woman would lead to a rise in crime, juvenile delinquency, and parents working long hours."

...Bweh? WTF? How will granting same-sex couples the right to hold shared bank accounts and common property suddenly make our youth start raping and pillaging on the streets? Or force parents to work long hours? (Our failing economy is doing that already, thank you Mr. President.)

And it goes on: " 'This bill practically increases the number of rights to domestic partners... That's exactly what I'm afraid of. Once we go that far, marriage will become meaningless,' said Sen. Dan Swecker."

Sorry, but Britney's 24-hour marriage didn't already do this? In fact, I think it will make marriage more meaningful because it's about love and partnership. I've known plenty of people who have gotten married and then divorced within a few years - there's no sanctity there. People get married for all sorts of reason these days: money, sex, stupidity, property, revenge. God forbid we actually let people who love each other get married - what would be next, free health care? We can't just give away these rights to just anybody, you know! Then some people wouldn't be more equal than others!

*headdeskheaddeskheaddesk* The good news is, the bill is expected to get the a-okay from the governor and become law. TAKE THAT HAHAHAHA.

Safe Under My Umbrella [Doumeki Perspective, Cha 106]

Thu, 06 Mar 2008 05:38:26 GMT

Title: Safe Under My Umbrella
Rating: PG
Word Count: 744
Summary: Doumeki knows the storm that threatens ahead.
Disclaimer: Characters and situation spawned and owned by CLAMP.
Notes: Big thank yous to baka_taru and caleb_moss for the beta and feedback!

You are standing in the courtyard of the temple, talking to the girl you met at the cherry tree in the park. I know you well enough by now – the kettle’s on, an umbrella’s by the door, the heater in the guest room has been cranked high. The rain pours outside, a near-solid curtain hazing my vision, but only through one eye. The other clearly sees the expression that crosses her face as you offer her your umbrella; you’re a gentleman to the end, Watanuki, except with me – but I’ve come to grow fond of that, as well. It means that however much you hide it, I’m different to you. Of course, it’s just like you to hand over something so small but so precious in the strangest of ways: an eye, a smile, a kind word. None of them are given to me, save the eye, and that is something I will never, never forget.

She passes through the gate, your umbrella keeping the rain off her small figure. Your hand is raised in a cheerful goodbye. I’m already half-way to you, unnoticed; the look on your face is sheer, quiet determination, and the phantom, long-buried pain of loneliness. She could do worse than to have you as a friend, and I’d give up more than an eye to convince you of it.

“They say that fools never catch colds, but…” It makes the words snag in my throat to see you absolutely absent of irritation at my opening words, “I think idiots can catch them.” My umbrella can’t cover us both – but I like the rain.

“Who are you calling an idiot?”

Anything but that face. Her pain is not yours, no matter how hard you wish it. “…Idiot.”

Eventually, I get you inside and into warm, dry clothes with hardly a protest. As I stand in the kitchen steeping Grandfather’s favorite blend of tea, I think about that little girl. Kohane-chan, you called her – I can’t miss the significance of it. You’ve made your decision; she’s under your wing. You’re going to do everything you can to help her, absolutely everything, but even if you haven’t learned your lesson, I have. Go ahead and give it everything, Watanuki, as long as you’re ready to accept my sacrifices as steadily as you hand out yours.

I bring you the tea and reassure you the woman in the tree will be taken care of properly. I can’t guarantee that it will be what makes her finally pass; you seemed surprised that I can do that sort of thing, but then again I forget I am not just temple priest to you. The fact that I can still see her tells me you’re still upset, still shaken. I’ve adapted to our newest connection even if you haven’t – as with so many other things, I’ve discovered.

“Doumeki… What does your family normally call you?”

Ah, the power of names; not the subject I thought you’d bring up. You haven’t told me enough of my shortcomings in the past twenty minutes. “Shizuka.”

“Your first name.” I nod. “Me, too.” You hesitate, and I can’t help but wish there was a way to ease this for you. “When my parents were alive, they called me Kimihiro.”

This moment is so rare – you never confide in me – that the seriousness of it makes my stomach clench in knots. I haven’t lost all of the anger from your all-too-recent and foolish actions, and now I recall it, just enough of it to make me focus the determination to ride out another storm. If you must protect her, I will protect you. And I will try my best to respect your choice, and to give you a safe harbor to come back to, a place under my umbrella.

But if you ever pull a stupid, reckless move like you did with your eye again, so help me but I can’t walk away from you. You could do whatever you damned well pleased and here I would be, perpetually trying to make you realize you’re worth something – to Yuuko, to Kunogi, and now to Kohane.

And to me.

And so I reaffirm my diligence, adding a lonely little girl’s name to the list of people I’ll be keeping an eye out for, whether in harm or help. But the anger, the drive, the constant sap on my patience and concentration and sanity – that’s all for you. We walk new ground now, and no matter what you pursue, I’m going to be one step from your side.

Always.

I just got my xxxHolic volume 11 in the mail. Goddamn I forgot how much I loved half those scenes.

So!

Thu, 28 Feb 2008 06:23:12 GMT

Anyone up for a short beta for me? :D It's only about 700 words. xxxHolic.

Meanwhile, Jennifer Roberson's Sword-dancer series has been rekindling my love of fantasy novels. I have been shameless neglecting just about everything to read.

ugh.

Sun, 24 Feb 2008 01:28:34 GMT

I seriously need some feel-good reading material, guys. Preferably somewhat short and sweet. I've got three hours before he comes home and I can tell him the bad news and we can figure out what's next, and I need some serious, Prozac-strength distraction.

Link me, please! *begs*

I will never grow tired of Vincent, ever.

Sun, 03 Feb 2008 00:26:09 GMT

askjahd I love my friends because they find me this sort of squeeness. *does the fangirl-happy-dance* This is the friend that, while in Bolivia, bought me a Vincent figure (it has to be a fake because, well, everything there was pirated shit), and I have it positioned on my bookshelf where I can see it from every angle of the room. *takes a couple of deep breaths* Ok, I'm calm now, I promise.

*scans deviantart for more* Stop making him look like a woman, guys, please? long hair =//= feminine, necessarily.

grrrr!

Thu, 31 Jan 2008 20:35:25 GMT

DAMNIT BRAIN WHY MUST YOU GIVE ME MIDDLES BUT NO BEGINNINGS AND YET STILL REJECT THE SONG I'VE CHOSEN EVEN THOUGH IT WORKS. DAMNITDAMNITDAMNIT I'VE ONLY GOT AN HOUR BEFORE WORK WHY COULDN'T YOU THINK THIS UP LAST NIGHT? >_

This is me resisting the urge to play FFXII.

Thu, 24 Jan 2008 19:49:17 GMT

I love that slightly-concerned-yet-determined face of Doumeki's. How can anyone say he's expressionless? They just don't have an appreciation for the nuances of introverted men. And Watanuki gets definite points for both "You march right in there and get what I need, now" and "Damn it, Hitsuzen, not again." GO SAVE HER, BOYS!

I am so worried, guys, I haven't fretted like this over manga in weeks. Syaoran, can't you see? You can't bring her back, she's gone and that's just what FWR wants you to think. Goddamnit, CLAMP. I blame you for everything.

Bah. I really don't want to go to work. It's too cold outside to walk.

I need tea. *wanders off*

wanking and TRC drabble.

Sun, 20 Jan 2008 01:25:23 GMT

Damn job, damn roommate, damn stupid people for thinking less of me for not denying friendship based on age difference. But on the up side, vegging on FFXII and Rock Band is great therapy.

Here's that K/F Tsubasa drabble I was rambling about last time. I swear to god it's the only thing I've written in two months, so pardon the triteness of it.

Vulnerability

It was something he hadn’t felt in a long while. No, Kurogane didn’t take much stock in vulnerability. But it occurred to him that it may have been his issue with Fai all along. To Kurogane, vulnerability meant weakness, and weakness was a flaw. Well, he didn’t believe any of that bullshit any more. His jaw hurt just enough to make it hurt to smile; he did it anyway. When he started laughing at himself, Fai’s amused determination melted in puzzlement, which only made Kurogane laugh harder.

He reached up with his lone hand and dragged Fai down against him. He was light as a wisp of smoke, that man, making him careful when he’d held him, the once. That night in Yama country when he’d whispered over and over again that it would be all right, whatever he’d been running from would never manage to hurt him, not while he was around, planting his lips against Fai’s slight shoulders in between his mutterings. He’d only said it because he knew Fai didn’t understand a word of it.

So maybe he did know something of vulnerability, after all.

Fai was stiff against him, still unable to relax. “Kuro–“

“Shut up,” Kurogane growled in his ear, “I missed you.”

Fai slumped a little, his hands coming to rest against Kurogane’s ribcage. “I missed you, too.”

Fai rested his forehead to his shoulder, and Kurogane reveled in the quiet embrace while he could. Knowing Fai, it wouldn’t last long.

“Did you mean what you said in Yama?” Fai whispered. “About protecting me?”

He nodded, stunned that his words had been understood. He should've known Fai would be tricky like that.

“Because I don’t need it. Not anymore. But I liked hearing it.” Fai pulled his face away, tilting it up, trace of a smile flickering. “Will you say it again?” He leaned close enough that Kurogane caught the scent of his skin. “All of it?”

“Hell, yes.” Kurogane slammed his mouth against Fai’s, unable to tolerate the teasing anymore, not after months of it and the one night and then nothing; he’d thought it would all fade to treasured memory. He wrapped his arm around Fai’s waist as he fell back against the bed, and Fai took up the charge eagerly, hands working at the sash at his waist.

“All of it?” Light fingers tickled across ridges between scar and muscle. “All of it?”

“Every last word.” Kurogane promised.

Oh, my.

Thu, 03 Jan 2008 02:41:43 GMT

I totally wrote this short, sweet, ultimately sappy Kuro/Fai thing and went to type it up and WHOOPS it's up at my mother-in-law's locked apartment because my husband took the keys to work with him. ~~Not to mention he didn't feed the cats before he left. The poor, hungry kitties!~~ *fumes* And I find myself completely unable to write fanfiction without my notebook. I need to work on that.

Roommate is watching The Boondock Saints. There is something disturbingly hilarious about William Defoe in drag.

Back to surfing iPod for fst songs.

Update, of a fashion.

Sun, 23 Dec 2007 06:14:45 GMT

I AM ALIVE, I SWEAR.

Because Love: (9) Wouldn't Change A Thing

Mon, 05 Nov 2007 02:14:53 GMT

Title: Wouldn't Change A Thing
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Watanuki's surprise is constant, and Doumeki's not used to feeling like a roller coaster.
Disclaimer: Characters belong to Clamp... I just like to mess with 'em. Lyrics belong to Lifehouse!
Lyrics: Spin - Lifehouse // Get the song.
A/N: Thank you, thank you, thank you to iambickilometer and baka_taru for the prompt and amazing beta'ing!

Wouldn't Change A Thing

Doumeki paused before Yuuko’s gate, wary of affectionate good–byes in her range of vision. Although most things are in her line of sight, he thought as he tugged Watanuki’s hand. We’re no exception. Watanuki turned to face him, glancing to take stock of the passersby – which were few – before Doumeki leaned in and gave him a kiss so quick he couldn’t respond.

Watanuki dropped his hand, scanned the vicinity for watchers again, and smiled. Definitely going to need to work on this. Doumeki’s mind flashed to the argument earlier; he’d been so close to walking out and never dealing with any of it again, over a thoughtless comment. The memory made him feel guilty and angry all at once.

Instead, he gave Watanuki another kiss, one meant to say, I can’t wait to see you later, but the shorter boy wrapped his slender fingers around the back of his neck to keep him close. It lasted long enough that Doumeki had to catch a breath when he finally let go. “I will never get tired of that,” Watanuki sighed. Doumeki took it for encouragement and bent his face again, but Watanuki pulled his arms away and almost made him panic again.

He glanced behind him, toward the shop. “I’m late.” Doumeki shoved his hands into his pockets to keep them off Watanuki. He has to go to work eventually. It was strange; he was so used to spending nearly all his time with him unless he was working – where he was safe – that it was only just dawning on him how much longer those hours would drag on.

“You’ll be here at four, right?” Watanuki asked, standing close but not touching. His gaze shifted to one side like it did when he wanted something he wasn’t sure of.

Doumeki ducked his head to catch his eyes. “Of course.” And there was that smile again, tentative but definitely there, and it was just enough to make Doumeki feel solid again. It took three more minutes before Watanuki disappeared inside the gate. Doumeki wandered back to the temple in a haze, disoriented by lack of sleep and hours of emotional intensity. He’d be burned out in weeks if he kept this up.

Eventually, he grabbed his bow to practice archery, needing to focus on something that wasn’t loud, contradictory, and suddenly the most vital thing to his existence.

Well I’d rather chase your shadow all my life
Than be afraid of my own
I’d rather be with you

Yuuko’s smile was overly bright when Watanuki entered the shop, something he’d hoped not to see but expected anyway. “You look tired,” she said, mock–concerned. “Did you get enough rest?”

At the mention of sleep, he couldn’t help yawning – one of her magic tricks, undoubtedly – but smiled when he remembered what he’d been doing instead. Kissing Doumeki. Warm hands burning against his shoulder blades. Jaw cradled between palms. Kissing Shizuka. The smile became an unwitting grin.

“Oh ho!” Yuuko laughed as she followed him to the kitchen doorway. “Spend your hours committing debauchery?”

“I… I…” Watanuki sputtered, slamming the lid on the teapot with a clink. “I was not doing… that!” He turned, vaguely aware he couldn’t bring himself to put a word to what he was doing. Yuuko was watching him, devious and mocking and slightly concerned underneath it all. Oh hell, she probably knew anyway. She could transport people across worlds, she could definitely figure out afterglow. “I just kissed him.” She stayed silent. “A lot.” He added, and her nod reminded him too much of Doumeki, infuriatingly calm and humoring him. “Not that whatever I do outside of your slave–shop is any of your business!”

Her concern vanished, replaced with smug, smug glee. “Well, then I guess I don’t need to lecture you on the importance of using protection.”

Watanuki dropped a spoon, his face beginning to burn. He was not having this conversation with Yuuko. He was not. “Yuuko!” He wailed, unable to come up with something more articulate.

“Hurry with my breakfast, Watanuki,” she said as she slid the door shut. He could hear Maru and Moro follow her down the hallway chanting, “Use protection! Watanuki should use protection!”

Yuuko would be the death of him long before Doumeki was, for certain. Considering Doumeki had saved his life multiple times, it was probably a moot comparison anyway. He’d never seen anything so hell–bent as Doumeki marching across the courtyard that morning, like it was the most difficult task he’d ever faced.

He stifled a yawn before bringing breakfast in to Yuuko, not wanting any more comments. But she was quiet, staring off into air again, as he served her tea. “Yuuko–san,” he started, but caught himself. This was too much like the night after the meteor shower, stuck with a question he had no one to ask. “Have I done the right thing?”

She turned to look at him then. “Do you believe you’ve chosen the right path?”

Rumors at school. Something else Yuuko would tease him endlessly for. Himawari, too – how would she react? He wouldn’t be able to stand making her feel unwelcome. She was lonely enough already. Plus he couldn’t pretend Doumeki didn’t matter anymore. It had been enough of a slip to admit they were friends but… oh, god, dating? How was he supposed to avoid the guilt now?

Still. Shizuka. Pinning him by the stairwell. Kissing him blind. Promising to be his friend.

“I think so.” he said carefully.

She smiled at him, so guileless it had to be a trick. “Then for you, it’s all right.”

“But it’s not right for Doumeki?” Watanuki said, panicking slightly.

Yuuko shook her head. “Doumeki’s path will decide for itself.”

Watanuki stared at her for a moment, disgusted with her obscure answer. “I’m going to dust,” he said as he got to his feet. He had better things to do. Like daydream of four o’clock.

I’d rather not know where I’ll be
Than be alone and convinced that I know

Doumeki was outside the gate at three–forty–five; Watanuki showed up minutes later, like he’d been waiting. One quick kiss and they were hand–in–hand again, down the street toward Watanuki’s tiny, cramped, and blessedly private apartment.

“Did she give you a hard time?” Doumeki asked a minute later, already knowing the answer. She would know, she would harass him properly, and she extracted payment for leaving early – but she had let him leave all the same, Yuuko’s quirky little gifts.

Watanuki’s face settled into a familiar scowl that made Doumeki want to smile. But he didn’t want to seem patronizing, not when much better things held fast potential. “Of course she did,” Watanuki spat before his face flushed. Watanuki’s mouth twisted further as he said primly, “And she was filled with all sorts of unwelcome suggestions.”

Doumeki couldn’t help picturing Yuuko pointing out all her favorite scenes from her stash of manga, each one more ridiculous than the last. Watanuki gave an ungracious snort and snarled something like, “What are you smirking at?” But he didn’t pull away – he leaned in, a solid, tangible pressure from shoulder to hip, and it felt so wonderful Doumeki’s smile slipped.

“What?” Watanuki faltered, halting their progress, that tiny furrow forming between his brows. “Is something wrong?”

Doumeki shook his head, letting the warmth funnel all the way through his core. Nothing in life prepared him for this, not archery, not hours in the rain or sacrificed body matter. None of the stories his grandfather shared could have possibly made him understand until this morning how consuming and astonishing loving Watanuki was. Loving. Yes, Doumeki realized, he’d loved Kimihiro so long in so many ways it was impossible to pretend it wasn’t true. But it wasn’t time to share; he wanted to keep it for himself a little while longer, to grow into the thought more, before it became so obvious that even Watanuki’s densest denial couldn’t outshine it.

“Nothing,” Doumeki told him, walking forward again. “Just thinking about what I’d like for dinner.”

“Which I’ll be cooking,” Watanuki grumbled.

“But not the dishes,” Doumeki reminded him. “I can handle those.”

“Not for much longer,” Watanuki shot back, giving him a look that once would have been vicious but was flirtatious now. “I only have two bowls left.”

“Perfect.”

Watanuki rolled his eyes.

Everything I know has let me down
So I will just let go
Let you turn me inside out

Making lunch two mornings later, Watanuki discovered proof that Doumeki Shizuka would never make any sense at all.

There was a love note pinned to the fridge.

Or at least Watanuki assumed it was a love note. He lifted the magnet from it, cradling it carefully between hastily dried fingers. Written in Doumeki’s tiny, slanted kanji was simply Kimihiro, no salutation, no clarification. It was so strange seeing his name written in someone else’s hand; unexpectedly intimate, like a hand casually draped around his waist in a crowded market. Watanuki carried it to the table, folding his legs underneath him. The oil still had a few minutes to heat – surely he had enough time to read whatever Doumeki thought was so important to say it couldn’t wait until they saw each other.

Who’d have thought the guy who couldn’t fit his name better – static, unfathomable bastard – would have the thought to pen something and stick it to his boyfriend’s fridge? It occurred to Watanuki it might be a food request, but he was so fascinated by the existence of it in the first place that he didn’t feel any indignation. Not when seeing his name written with such care.

He’d never gotten a love letter before.

Inside, it stated his name again, then, so briefly: Lunch on the roof today. So I can soak up enough of you to survive the rest of it. It was signed with a concise Shizuka.

If it was possible to expire of romantic shock, Watanuki would be a dead man. He reread it three times, alternating between blushing at the thought of what exactly Doumeki meant by “soaking up enough” of him on the school roof and sputtering at the blithe way he assumed he’d get what he wanted. Just like always.

Except the difference is, Watanuki thought, he wants me now. He couldn’t let it be so easy. Doumeki needed to protect his reputation – his grades were good enough, or at least they had been before he’d taken to spending his nights rescuing Watanuki instead of studying – because colleges would really come scrambling because of his archery. If he let himself slip even more, or if one of the coaches got the wrong idea or held the wrong opinion, his entire future could come to a crashing halt.

Not that Doumeki cared; that much was obvious. He’d been so upset by the idea of hiding anything at all – it was still unnerving to think they had a relationship; Doumeki was his boyfriend – that a few people spreading rumors would hardly derail his determination. Watanuki knew from experience that it was nearly impossible.

He returned to the kitchen to finish preparing lunch, the note tucked carefully into a pocket. He’d already determined he would carry it with him all day; it was just a matter of being discreet enough when reading it to hide the rush of pleasure it brought. Hiding what he was felt at school would be a much bigger challenge than it seemed the night he’d offered the compromise. Nothing was ever easy with Shizuka, and Watanuki was beginning to suspect he liked it that way.

‘cause I know I’m not sure about anything
but you wouldn’t have it any other way

Doumeki was still sweeping the courtyard when Watanuki came through the temple arch. Instead of finding a broom so the other boy could join in the chores, he leaned his own against a tree.

He was greeted with an enthusiastic kiss. “Thank you for the note.”

“You’re welcome,” Doumeki answered absently, distracted but wondering why leaving a note about where to meet for lunch garnered thanks like that. Of course, with Watanuki here in front of him, it seemed impossible to go all that time without the closeness he’d become accustomed to already. Especially if he was supposed to pretend he didn’t feel that way at all. “Come here,” he said, tugging Watanuki’s arm toward his grandfather’s library.

Twenty minutes later, Doumeki slipped inside the temple to change into his uniform, out of breath and his hair considerably messier than before. Maybe make–out sessions before school were a bad idea. They only made it worse. He’d been lying to himself when he thought he could level out that sort of emotion.

And so it hurt like hell when Watanuki pulled his hand from Doumeki’s grip when they got close enough to meet other students. Doumeki glanced at him as he tucked his now–free hand into a pocket; Watanuki was staring straight ahead, and he looked relieved when Himawari dashed up from her side street.

“Good morning!” she beamed at them.

“Himawari–chan!” Watanuki exclaimed back. “How was your weekend?”

Doumeki lost track of their conversation as he fought back jealousy. He didn’t blame Himawari; the girl needed friends, especially ones who understood the risk. No, she’d been nothing but helpful and encouraging since they formed this bizarre little trio. More than once she’d served to keep them together, reminding Watanuki that friendship took many forms and that none of them should be taken for granted. Not even the argument–riddled ones.

When they parted at the classroom door, she gave Doumeki a concerned glance; he hadn’t said a damned thing the whole walk, but he didn’t think it was unusual of him. Of course Himawari would notice the difference – and slip inside the classroom to give them a few minutes’ privacy in the emptying hallway.

“I’ll see you on the roof, then?” Watanuki asked, giving him an anxious smile.

Doumeki nodded, paused, and then turned to walk away, ignoring the cluster of girls whispering across from them. Hurt flashed across Watanuki’s features as he turned for the doorknob. But wasn’t this how he’d wanted it, far more complicated than it needed to be?

Doumeki breathed back the miserable anger that followed the thought. I can’t spend the whole day sullen over this. Got to get over it by lunch, he told himself as he settled at his desk. He recalled Watanuki’s smile, the feel of his cheekbones under his thumbs, the agreement they’d made a few nights ago. This is worth it, it’s got to be worth it. He couldn’t live without Watanuki, he could barely survive with him, and he couldn’t see how it could be any other way. His life was in constant juxtaposition with Watanuki’s; the safest course was also the one most fraught with difficulties.

Once again, Doumeki found himself staring at the clock waiting for lunch, since it seemed he owed Watanuki an apology.

And the world keeps spinning round
And my world’s upside down
And I wouldn’t change a thing

The bell rang for lunch, and Watanuki’s stomach twisted in time with it. Himawari bounced up beside him, store–bought bento in her hand. He felt a flash of guilt – she must’ve realized something was going on – before she asked, “Meeting Doumeki–kun for lunch?”

Watanuki swallowed against the lump in his throat. He’d get an ulcer if things kept on this way. “Yeah.”

She leaned closer, her pretty face worried. “Are you okay? Did you…” she hesitated. “Is he mad at you again?” Her gaze flickered to his golden eye.

Yes. No. I would be. How to explain it to her? “Some… stuff happened over the weekend.” He tried to give her a smile, hoping to soften the implications of his next words. “We still need to work it out.”

She nodded sagely. “Have you asked Yuuko–san for advice? She’s so good with things like that.”

He resisted the urge to shout, she definitely is not! before he realized Himawari thought it was trouble of the standard kind, the occult and mystical kind. This time he managed to give her a tight smile. “We’ll be fine, but thanks.” He headed up toward the roof.

Maybe Doumeki needed more space. They’d spent nearly a solid week together; he hadn’t practiced archery all weekend, let alone time to meditate. Plus Watanuki had interrupted his chores that morning. He couldn’t help it, though. After the note, he’d wanted to see Doumeki so badly he had even been sloppy putting together the bento. Now he had slipshod food as a peace offering. Great.

Outside the access door to the roof, he set down the bento to reach inside a pocket and pull out the now–crumpled note. He read it twice. Doumeki wasn’t petty. He wouldn’t dissolve something they’d been building over two years over a disagreement. Even if it was the disagreement to end all disagreements. I wouldn’t blame him at all. He gathered his courage and opened the door, stepping out onto the roof.

Doumeki was leaning against the fence, watching the door, lean and deliberate. Watanuki’s heart did a backflip as he approached under his intense gaze. When he was a foot or two away, he took a deep breath. “I’m sorry.”

Doumeki stared at him intently a moment longer, took the bento from his hand, set it on the ground, and crushed Watanuki to his chest.

He wrapped arms around Doumeki’s ribcage, so grateful he couldn’t think. “I didn’t realize it would be that hard on you.”

Doumeki laughed bitterly, his breath puffing against Watanuki’s ear. “Here I was wondering how to phrase my own apology.” He pulled back to look him in the eyes. “Comparatively, it’s not that hard. Just different.” He leaned forward to kiss Watanuki on the forehead, right above the bridge of his glasses. “It’s what you want. I’ll get used to it.”

Because I’m the needy one, right? Watanuki shook his head, sitting down and unwrapping the bento. “I don’t want you to have to get used to it. I want you to be happy, too.” He snagged Doumeki’s hand as he sank beside him, trying to convey how earnest he was. “I promised we were in this together.”

Doumeki gave him a measured look that he couldn’t begin to grasp. “As long as you’re safe, I’m happy,” he said, making Watanuki think, How long have you been telling yourself that lie? “What’s for lunch? Do you have eggs today?”

“You are so high–maintenance,” Watanuki fussed. Doumeki gave him an uplifted eyebrow, and he swallowed the rest of his complaint. “Yes, there are eggs.”

Well I’ve got nothing else to lose
I lost it all when I found you
And I wouldn’t change a thing

As the access door slammed shut behind them, Doumeki ran his hands through his hair to smooth it out. He considered growing it a little bit longer, like Watanuki’s, so it wouldn’t stick up so noticeably. If those roof lunches became a regular thing, it wouldn’t be a bad idea.

“Tomorrow, too?” Watanuki asked, clattering down the steps ahead of him.

“Yes.” Doumeki answered.

“Are you coming over tonight?”

“Yes.”

Watanuki stopped at the bottom so they could walk side–by–side. “You can stay home to practice, if you need to.”

Doumeki shook his head. “Don’t have a meet for a while. And I’ve got practice after school tomorrow. So I’d rather spend tonight with you.”

“Okay,” Watanuki said, a flush crossing his cheeks. “See you after class.”

“Yeah,” Doumeki said, noticing how a knot of girls grew silent as they approached, headed by a glowering bleach–blonde from his class. She was watching Watanuki as if he was the devil. “See you.”

Watanuki disappeared inside and Doumeki gave the girl a deliberate look, turning back to see Himawari wave through the window on the door. Watanuki’s eyes followed the direction, and he smiled so brilliantly it was like looking at the face of the sun.

I hope this never wears off, Doumeki thought as he shook off the stun, bell clanging in the background.

No, you and I wouldn’t change a thing

Himawari stood next to him at the gate, chattering about their next quiz, but Watanuki hardly heard a word. Doumeki had come out the front doors, striding across the lawn. His eyes were glued to Watanuki, unaware how conversations stopped as he walked past. Girls stared with wide eyes. Boys surveyed him, and then straightened their posture to mimic him. The whole campus took a collective, admiring breath and let it out on a sigh as they saw the misfits he was approaching. What a shame, Watanuki could almost hear them say. Doumeki was the most anti–social popular person in the school. And he wants me, Watanuki reminded himself with pleasure. So it doesn’t matter. If only their whole dilemma was that simple.

Doumeki greeted Himawari, but his eyes were still on Watanuki. He turned away, trying to pick up the thread of Himawari’s banter, trying to hear past the pulse in his ears. The three of them stepped out onto the street, finally headed home.

Spinning, turning, watching, burning
All my life has found its meaning

Doumeki knew he had to curb this fever eventually. He still had archery, he still had to take care of the temple. His life had been cramped enough without Watanuki as his boyfriend. But he’d come to learn that any situation involving the slighter boy was bound to make him lose his head a little. Ironic that he’d come to rely on the uncertainty.

So he gave Watanuki a fierce kiss goodbye and turned from his front door. “I’ll be back,” he told him. “Soon.”

Watanuki nodded, slightly disappointed but resigned to it. “Okay.”

Doumeki bounded down the stairs, out onto the street, and jogged home. He enjoyed the exercise, letting out some of the pent–up steam out. He finished up his chores, changed his clothes, kissed his grandmother on the cheek, and was out the door again.

Anything to be back with Watanuki.

Walking, crawling, climbing, falling
All my life has found its meaning

Doumeki came in the door without knocking, kicking off his shoes with an audible clatter and coming straight to the kitchen. He glanced around, taking stock of the pots and measuring spoons. “Can’t you ever order take–out?” he complained. “I can’t kiss you while I’m doing dishes.”

Watanuki was surprised into a laugh. And he had once believed all Doumeki thought about was food. “Absence makes the heart grow fonder,” he said as he turned.

“Not really,” Doumeki grumbled, pulling Watanuki against him. He stopped to savor the feeling of Doumeki’s warm palm kneading the back of his neck before pulling away.

“We need to get out of my apartment more,” he told him.

Doumeki eyed him. “I don’t see why.”

Of course he didn’t. He’d be content to sit inside all day and never interact with anyone else. “You are so simple sometimes.”

He received another look. “I’ll take that as a compliment.”

Watanuki laughed again. It got easier and easier every time. “Please do.”

Doumeki abandoned the pot he was investigating and came up behind him, putting his hands on Watanuki’s hips, burying his face in his hair. “Have I ever told you how charming you are in an apron?”

“Did you have this kitchen fetish before I met you?” Watanuki countered.

“Nope. You made me appreciate good food.” Doumeki responded, sliding his hands across Watanuki’s stomach. “Are you done cooking yet?”

Watanuki resisted the urge to smack him with a spatula. “Pervert.”

“Hm.” Doumeki nudged the spot right behind Watanuki’s ear with the tip of his nose, breath tickling.

“Then again,” Watanuki speculated aloud, “I might be developing a kitchen fetish of my own.” Fire spread from Doumeki’s hands, licking from the nape of his neck to his knees. He could feel Doumeki smile against his hair.

Tomorrow, Watanuki thought, will be one more hurdle, one more decision between pride and the best thing that’s ever happened to me. But that’s tomorrow. And this is tonight.

Doumeki’s hands stilled around his waist. The voice he felt against his neck was concerned. “Kimihiro?”

Watanuki turned to face him again. Doumeki’s eyes were molten gold, the color of the sun that Watanuki’s life was starting to revolve around. He lifted a hand to his cheek, amazed at how Doumeki leaned into it and the heat that always clung to his skin. “Just remembering,” Watanuki told him, “how glad I am to be in this with you.”

Doumeki’s eyes widened just a little, surprised, but he smiled. And that was all Watanuki cared about.

No, you and I wouldn’t change a thing

(Because love is as complicated as it is satisfying.)

Does this qualify as wank?

Fri, 02 Nov 2007 07:55:12 GMT

Sometimes it amuses me how some seem to assume that because it's the first fan-fiction I ever wrote, that it's also the first story I ever wrote. Like I have amazing talent because I grasped the concepts of sentence-building and progression before I contributed anything to the world of fandom. Did I do it backward?

And I just realized I have no idea what wank means. Someone help me remedy this, please? There is no wikipedia article. X(

Bleach!

Tue, 30 Oct 2007 07:05:45 GMT

Just caught up on Bleach. My Nell icon is made so much better now.

and chapter 297: BOOYAH BIATCHES, YES.