I can't protect you without holding a sword.

... Ah, what, CLAMP?

Wed, 23 Sep 2009 03:00:04 GMT

I knew CLAMP secretly hated their fans, and I totally called it, but...

.... What the... fuck...? ..... Huh?

Seriously, CLAMP? Pulling the old time-warp on us? After leaving all that cryptic information about Watanuki's past, Doumeki's egg, and Yuuko's disappearance? Making Watanuki act like a male version of Yuuko, even though nothing up to that point indicated he was prone to behaving that way? Doumeki studying folklore? NTTAWWT, but if you made him give up archery, I may be forced to hunt you down.

I have very mixed feelings about this, except for the fact that the Doumeki men seem to age really well.

And Love: (10) A Welcome Arrow

Fri, 11 Sep 2009 23:06:45 GMT

Yeah, yeah, it took me almost two years to update. My apologies.

Formerly titled "Because Love". I changed it because I've always hated it.

Previous entries here.

Title: A Welcome Arrow
Rating: R
Summary: Doumeki plans a date; Watanuki experiences a few new things.
Disclaimer: Belongs to CLAMP, blah blah blah.
The Song: You're All I Have, Snow Patrol The Music Video, for your listening pleasure
Thank You: baka_taru and sentimentale for their near-constant harassment.
Please Note: This series stops being parallel to cannon around American volume 10. I have not read beyond American volume 13, so please, no spoilers in the comments.

A Welcome Arrow

Where do you take someone stalked by ghosts on a date? It was a question that had been vexing Doumeki for weeks. Watanuki had mentioned the need to escape his apartment, and Doumeki couldn’t blame him; he could practically see his steps worn in the sidewalks between the temple, school, Watanuki’s apartment, and Yuuko’s shop. And the only place they had any romantic opportunity was Watanuki’s. That was getting dangerous, a new sort of danger Doumeki was discovering. It wasn’t that either of them protested, but Doumeki wasn’t sure he could contain the fire that started burning every time they were alone any longer. Anything that edged him away from his remarkable self control – which seemed to be just Watanuki, in all his forms – made him nervous.

So a date night it was.

First date, Doumeki thought, ticking off the potentials and almost as quickly crossing them off. Movie theaters were out, obviously. Watanuki had mentioned once that amusement parks were worse. While Doumeki knew he had the ability to dispel the majority of spirits, he didn’t want to take any chances. The weather was turning too cold for the beach or the mountains, and a picnic anywhere in town, as well as dinner out, would make his denial-champion boyfriend too skittish to relax. Which was the whole damned point.

Doumeki tried not to think about that and failed. Two weeks of attempting to suppress his attraction if they weren’t alone was fraying his nerves. It made an odd balance: at school, they were aloof and could hardly make eye contact, roof-top lunches aside, but once they were ensconced in the apartment, they couldn’t keep apart. It made for very little conversation and even less social planning, which Doumeki realized was not his forte. He could never keep close friends outside of archery, and even then, it was practice sessions or workshops or end-of-season parties. Social rendezvous were out of his league; a funeral, that he could plan, but a romantic date that couldn’t look too romantic? That took an ingenuity he didn’t possess.

So when he was bowing and saying formal goodbyes to a widowed parishioner one morning and she mentioned the night fair that weekend, the last of autumn, the light bulb in his brain began to flash. She leaned forward to pat his cheek affectionately. “You’re still so young, Doumeki-kun, you deserve a night of fun,” she told him, and he nodded gravely, his thoughts racing. She asked him to pass on good wishes to his grandmother before she tottered off, completely unaware of the eureka she’d given him.

He walked back to his room to change for school, pondering the possibilities. Watanuki routinely got off work at Yuuko’s around four on Saturdays. Doumeki had saved up some money for an opportunity like this. Instead of showing up for dinner, he’d show up in a yukata and whisk him away. It was feasible plan.

Doumeki’s stomach began to flutter, not unpleasantly, with anticipatory butterflies. It would be good to stir the pot a little, he thought as he buttoned up his shirt. The hot-cold routine was breaking him faster than he’d imagined; he was certain something would shatter like a teacup if nothing changed.

That left two nights to withstand, and then maybe he could convince Watanuki that publicly dating wouldn’t be too bad.

If he could keep it together for two nights.

train this chaos, turn it into light
I’ve got to see you one last night

Watanuki was sure someone had been watching him.

It was a feeling he was familiar with. He’d already catalogued all the ghosts on campus that wanted to eat him and made sure Doumeki was in close vicinity before he neared their haunts. It got awkward, especially around closets and other close quarters, but he’d managed so far. But this was not the predatory gaze of a hungry spirit. This was the envious glower of freshmen girls.

One of three was always near: outside his classroom, on the lawn as he entered or exited the grounds, trailing him as he ran errands for teachers. So far none had been bold enough to follow him onto the roof at lunch, probably because Doumeki was present, and they seemed even warier when Himawari joined them, even though that was less and less frequent.

He sighed at his desk, not even trying to take notes on the lecture. He’d get them from Himawari later. She could tell something had changed between him and Doumeki, but she was too polite to inquire about it. Instead, she just copied her notes when he daydreamed in class and found other things to do during lunch. While he certainly welcomed the alone time, he didn’t want her to feel like a third wheel.

He ticked off his status quo: a boyfriend he didn’t want anyone knowing was his boyfriend, a trio of stalkers most likely gained because of boyfriend-not-boyfriend, and a friend he neglected because he couldn’t admit to having that boyfriend.

It was always Doumeki’s fault.

He tried not to blush as he thought about all the other things that were Doumeki’s fault. The growing stack of not-quite-love notes. The inability to fall asleep and stay asleep (thank god Haruka never interrupted those dreams). The fact he only had so many bowls and plates left because he couldn’t do a mundane task like washing dishes without daydreaming. Yuuko’s ever-growing snickers and teasing questions.

As he left class, he wondered if Doumeki was coming over that night. It had been fairly hit-and-miss with his temple responsibilities lately, even with archery season over, and he’d seemed slightly distracted the past few days. He was making up two menus in his head – one for just him, one three times bigger for him and Doumeki – and leaning against the wall switching his shoes when Stalker #1, the bleach-blonde, swung her bag into his hip and pitched him face-first into the brick. “Sorry,” she muttered insincerely as he straightened staring at her in disbelief. His glasses were pinching against his nose, and when he took them off, he noticed the already-battered frames were bent. He tried to bend them back as best he could – he couldn’t afford a new pair – and hoped to god it didn’t get any worse.

It wasn’t as if it was the first time Watanuki had been bullied. With his strange sight and apparently tasty spirit, he’d been the focus of both ghostly and non-ghostly bullies before. But never girls. Over a guy. Welcome to the wonderful world of dating, he told himself, but couldn’t muster up any real regret.

It certainly wasn’t worth bothering Doumeki with. They were people, not spirits, which meant he could handle it on his own. Probably. Not that he’d be able to bring it up with Doumeki anyway, when there was kissing to be done.

Besides, he was a little afraid to see what Doumeki would do about it.

before the lions take their share
leave us in pieces, scattered everywhere

Okay. He’d made it to Saturday afternoon. Now if only Doumeki could make it from Yuuko’s to Watanuki’s, tear himself away, and go home long enough to change and pick Watanuki back up without being sucked into the dangerous warmth of his apartment. That might be hard.

He was quiet as Watanuki did his post-work-decompression rant on the walk home. When they’d reached his door, he hung back instead of following Watanuki inside. He glanced back as he slipped off his shoes. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Doumeki said with a smile, and meant it. Not with a boyfriend like this. “I’ll be back in about an hour.”

“Oh?” Watanuki said, leaning against the doorframe.

Doumeki leaned forward, forehead to forehead, helpless to resist touching him. “I have a surprise for you.” Watanuki’s eyebrows shot up, making Doumeki chuckle. “Wear your blue-striped yukata. I like it.”

“Okay,” Watanuki blinked in confusion, and Doumeki glanced up and down the hallway – I hate doing this – before leaning in to kiss Watanuki goodbye. God, he loved the way Watanuki slid a hand up his neck and scratched lightly right at his hairline, like a cat kneading before getting comfortable. He pulled away very, very reluctantly, and headed back down the stairs, thinking all the way home about that kiss and hoping to get another one without having to hide it. Tonight.

just give me a chance to hold on

Watanuki dressed carefully, unsure of what to think. He wanted to get out more, and Doumeki was undoubtedly taking him to the night fair he’d heard about. Part of him filled with childlike glee, tinged with bittersweet memories; night fairs were the best part of his childhood. He still loved them: the strings of lights, the sky overhead, the shouts of vendors, the crackling smell of food cooked over open flame. And Doumeki, there to keep him safe from the spirits all of it attracted, standing in the middle of it, lithe and deceptively formal in his yukata. Watanuki had to close his eyes and take a deep breath to shake off the giddy little trill creeping through his chest. He’s mine, all mine, and I could just pull him in that damned sexy yukata inside and not let him go until morning. But the thought scared him. They’d only been dating a few weeks. Not to mention that Watanuki wasn’t even sure what to do. You could figure it out if you tried. Watanuki threw his hands up to cover his too-hot face, even though there was no one to see him.

But he’d be out with Doumeki, in public. Night fairs were notoriously romantic nights, and it would be hard to pretend it wasn’t a date and even if he managed to, he was pretty certain that would nullify it as a date in the first place. Nothing is safe anymore, not my apartment, not school, not even public. He realized “safe” was completely relative in his case. He just couldn’t help freaking out at the idea of everyone knowing. What would his neighbors think? Their classmates? Himawari?

As he finished getting dressed, he reminded himself of the expression in Doumeki’s eyes lately: determined and stubborn as always, but with a wild edge they’d only contained since they’d started kissing. It was time to get out a little more. So he thought about the bright side of life. He had a boyfriend whose mere presence made his life easier (in some ways, anyhow), a friend who’d been very understanding, and a boss, while evil and more than a little kooky, genuinely cared about his welfare. Plus, he was going to a night fair. He was going to enjoy the night, damn it.

Doumeki knocked on his front door just as he was pulling his wooden sandals out of a closet. He panicked for an instant, his anxieties rising up like some frightening beast out of water, before he shoved them back down again. It’s worth it, I know it is.

He answered the door a little breathless and smiled up at Doumeki, whose eyes widened a little at the sight of him in a yukata and smiled back. It made his heart start leaping all over again. As he shut the door behind him, Watanuki slipped his hand into Doumeki’s and held it tight.

give me a chance to hold on
give me a chance to hold on

As they approached the crowd that headed the entrance to the night fair, Doumeki steeled himself to drop Watanuki’s hand. There was bound to be plenty of students from Cross, not to mention parishioners of the temple. He was prepared to sneak kisses, settle for the occasional tap on the shoulder or squeeze on the arm, and gaze hungrily enough to make Watanuki blush. He was bound and determined, though, to get that kiss before the end of the night.

But Watanuki’s grip only grew tighter as they passed under the archway. Doumeki glanced down at his skittish counterpart to see him staring straight ahead, his eyes wide with excitement.

Doumeki decided he wouldn’t look a gift horse in the mouth.

Watanuki eagerly began dragging him from booth to booth, ooo-ing and ahh-ing over the traditionally-made wares, showering compliments on the craftsmen, and generally being his kind, selfless best. His hand slipped from Doumeki’s a few times, but only to use it animatedly while talking with vendors, and every time they turned away from a booth, it found its way back again.

That was all it was: Watanuki’s fingers wrapped around Doumeki’s, palm pressed to palm, and a brief squeeze to either get his attention or to warn he was pulling away, always reluctant. It was almost better than that kiss, to Doumeki. It was a marvel that something so simple meant so much, and Doumeki remembered the night after the hellhound, falling asleep palm to palm like this, Watanuki’s thumb rubbing absently against his. This was why they needed to get out. Not so Doumeki could convince Watanuki that being public, at least a little, wasn’t so bad, but so he could remember how to be content with the smallest things.

There were a few looks, but they were easy to ignore. Everyone that spoke with Watanuki was instantly charmed. He was so friendly, so happy, that Doumeki was beginning to feel a bit like a ghost: not quite there, but with Watanuki’s palm and fingers and laugh and smile keeping him anchored to the night.

just give me something to hold on to

Doumeki had been nearly silent so far, but Watanuki was learning that was Doumeki’s M.O. – the stillness was to mask whatever was going on below. From the content smile he wore, Watanuki could tell that it wasn’t a bad thing. So he did what he always did at night fairs; he talked to people. And while Doumeki’s silence made him slightly nervous, he let it be and just enjoyed himself.

So when Doumeki disappeared while Watanuki was patiently trying to show a young girl the best technique to catch goldfish, he panicked a little. Did I do something wrong after all? He handed the net back to the girl and stood, prepared to find and remedy whatever mistake he made.

But he spotted Doumeki, two or three booths away, with two prongs of takoyaki in one hand, nodding as the purveyor waved a hand expressively along with his speech. Doumeki gave the man his full attention – Lord knew Watanuki was aware of how disconcerting that could be – with his free arm slung between the fold in his yukata. A rush of nostalgia hit him: that first night fair, the girl with the wings, the feel of scar from her razor on Doumeki’s palm, and the meteor shower, realizing Doumeki was watching him and making wishes instead of the sky, that confusing talk with Yuuko, and Haruka-san’s words, once you begin, you can never pull away. God, how could he? Doumeki was a picture of perfection right there, listening patiently, so serious and handsome in his black and white yukata, tall and dark and making Watanuki’s pulse race from just looking at him.

He felt a slight tug on the front of his yukata, and he looked down to see the little girl wave her net up at him. “Mister, are you okay?” He nodded, wordless. “Could you show me again?” He continued coaching the girl, and Doumeki came back and handed him a stick of takoyaki. He stood, quiet, watching them, until Watanuki heard a sniffle, just short of a full-blown cry, and looked up to see another young girl clutching the edge of her mother’s skirt, her little voice begging, please, momma, can I have a goldfish? But the mother, young except for her eyes, shook her head and tried to hustle her daughter away before she made a scene, her fingers holding a clearly empty purse. The girl shot the tubful of goldfish such a wistful glance that it was palpable. It made Watanuki’s heart ache, because he remembered being that poor, remembered how hard it was to have friends.

Doumeki handed his takoyaki to Watanuki, who watched as he forked over the yen for three tries for a fish, one of the minuscule fish bowls, and a tube of food. “Pretty confident, aren’t you?” The vendor remarked with a grin as he handed Doumeki his net, and he just shrugged in response. He caught a fish immediately, amazing the vendor, and crouched to hand it all to the little girl, still looking on. The fish swam happy little circles in his plastic bag as the girl stared up at him with worship and the mother pressed her hand to her mouth. He just smiled gently at the girl and gave her brief instructions on how to care for it, telling her about the koi pond at the temple and if the fish ever got too big for his bowl, he could live there and she could visit whenever she wanted.

Watanuki swallowed against the sudden lump in his throat. This was the side of Doumeki he’d never seen, the side that comforted the grieving and gave respect to the dead, and Watanuki began to really understand how that stillness, that never-changing expression made him a rock in deep, turbulent waters. Doumeki turned back, his hand out for his food as Watanuki stood to face him. He handed it back, locking eyes, wanting to reach out and yank him by the lapels and kiss him senseless because nothing on his face showed that it was anything out of the ordinary for him to show such kindness, to buy a little girl a goldfish she would always remember receiving. Doumeki saw it in his eyes, his own widening just a little before growing dark and right then, before Watanuki gave into his baser desires, his pupil screeched, “I got one, I got one too!”

Watanuki bent to congratulate her, his face burning, heart aching, and skin crawling under the weight of Doumeki’s eyes.

you’re cinematic, razor sharp
a welcome arrow through the heart

Doumeki had barely gotten the door to Watanuki’s apartment shut behind him before he was pressed against it, Watanuki’s palm snaking up the back of his neck. He accepted the kiss eagerly; it seemed like forever since the last one. But Watanuki kissed him hard, pressing his body full-length to Doumeki’s, making his hands spasm against the slender boy’s waist in an attempt to ride out the swell of fire it caused. He pulled away right as his boyfriend growled, “That was the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen,” before sliding his tongue into Doumeki’s mouth. It took him a second to think, what? past the goddamn he tastes good. Then he remembered the girl and the goldfish and the smoldering look Watanuki gave him afterward.

“I’ll have to do more random acts of kindness,” he muttered against Watanuki’s mouth when they broke for air.

He gave a short laugh. “I hope your altruism knows no bounds,” he said as he kicked off his shoes. Doumeki did the same and followed him into the sitting room, expecting Watanuki to offer tea or maybe take out the mahjongg tiles. Instead, he grabbed Doumeki again, dragging him down to the cushions. The fire blazed up again as Watanuki’s hand fitted against the nape of his neck and he leaned in to bite Doumeki’s lower lip, nipping it gently as he worked his other hand into the collar of his yukata.

Doumeki reciprocated enthusiastically, removing Watanuki’s glasses with care so he could press harder, mouth to mouth, working against and with each other. Doumeki grasped Watanuki’s ribcage as they leaned against each other, half-crouched on the floor, and Watanuki’s fingertips kneaded his shoulders. The mouth-tongue-teeth ballet continued, causing the fire to flicker higher and higher until Doumeki could feel his scalp begin to burn, and Watanuki yanked away the collar of his yukata and leaned down to bite the flesh between his shoulder and neck, and the fire threatened to go nuclear, making Doumeki groan. He reached out and yanked at Watanuki’s yukata, making it fall open just as Watanuki fell into his lap. Doumeki dove for his mouth again, hands sliding down those smooth sides to pointy hips, stroking the soft spot there, just inside the rim of his boxers. Watanuki gasped and wiggled against him, legs straddling where Doumeki’s yukata had ridden up, grinding into his leg and hand, biting Doumeki hard enough on the shoulder to leave a bruise. He could feel his self control begin to combust - it was so hard not to reach down and take Watanuki in his hand - and that thought made him wake up just enough to realize there were very few layers of fabric between his erection and Watanuki. It crashed him back down to reality, the idea that if they went there they’d never come back, and then how could Watanuki look him in the eye if he couldn’t even do more than hold his hand if they weren’t alone? If he took something he couldn’t give back without Watanuki’s explicit permission to receive it?

He gently extracted Watanuki from his lap and tugged his yukata back into place, the sight of his boyfriend disheveled and wanting him, oh-so-obviously, nearly driving him back to the edge again. “What’s wrong?” Watanuki whispered, eyes huge in the dark, yukata still gaping open, and it was all Doumeki could do to not pull him back and give up on that whole self-control thing.

“Nothing,” he tried a grin but it came out weak, shaky. “It’s just, maybe we’re not ready for that yet?”

“For what?” Watanuki looked puzzled. “Making out?” Doumeki shook his head, and Watanuki seemed to wake up to the fact he was just a tug of gravity away from naked, his face flushing furiously. “Oh. Yeah. Probably not.” His eyebrows furrowed as he retied the obi of his yukata. “Why not?”

Doumeki took the question into serious, serious consideration.

under your skin feels like home
electric shocks on aching bones

Those things that Watanuki wasn’t sure he knew were becoming clearer. A lot clearer, in fact. Dangerously clear. The remembered feeling of certain parts of Doumeki’s anatomy pressed against him made him want to growl and crawl back onto him. But it was too soon. Probably.

He just wanted to know why Doumeki thought so, too.

Of all people, he would’ve thought Doumeki would plunge into sex like he did everything else – with complete concentration and an astounding lack of reserve. But the fact that he’d pulled back the instant clothing had started coming undone troubled Watanuki. No, it downright scared him, and that would take the edge off anything.

“Because it’s just too soon, that’s why,” Doumeki said, still tugging his yukata back into modesty.

“There’s got to be more of a reason than that,” Watanuki shot at him, feeling that wave of irritation he hadn’t felt in days begin to rise again. There were thoughts he was trying to keep off his tongue – am I not good enough? Are you realizing this isn’t what you want after all? – but the one that wanted to come out most was, what are you afraid of? He managed to turn it into, “I thought you weren’t afraid of anything.”

Doumeki seemed to struggle with that and finally took it as a challenge. “We’ve only been together a few weeks.”

“But we’ve know each other for much longer,” Watanuki reminded him. Forever, it feels like, sometimes.

Doumeki shot him one of those angry glowers that made his eyebrows pull down into a point. He continued like Watanuki had said nothing at all. “And we’ve never talked about it.”

Being ignored was one of the things that lit Watanuki’s short fuse, and Doumeki was so damned good at it. “Because I didn’t think you would listen!”

“Not to mention that tonight was the first time you’ve ever acknowledged me as anything other than a friend if there was even the slightest possibility someone we know might see us.” Doumeki wouldn’t meet his eyes. Watanuki could feel his fingernails biting into his palms, and when Doumeki turned away he felt his face shut down as he tried not to shout, the hell with you! and snatched his glasses, reflexively rising to his feet to be in his kitchen.

Doumeki came in a few minutes later as Watanuki was focusing his anger on trying to make the kettle boil faster. “I’m sorry,” he said from the other side of the kitchen, and the distance he was keeping in both reality and words made Watanuki’s frustration bubble right back up.

“Sorry for what? Do you even know why?” He continued staring down the tea kettle because he knew he couldn’t keep a hold on his anger if he saw whatever was on Doumeki’s face. “I make an effort, I give you something you needed because you took me out, something I wanted, and I get scolded for it because it wasn’t enough?” He took a deep, shuttering breath to keep his voice from rising anymore. The last thing he needed was his neighbors investigating and discovering two angry, horny teenaged boys. “I think it’s too soon, too, just so you know. I agree we need to talk about it before we go any further. But we should be figuring it out together and I don’t even feel like trying when you’re being a jerk and throwing things in my face!” He took deep breaths until his vision stopped swimming.

“Are you done?” Doumeki asked, voice low and careful.

The thought that Doumeki felt the need to be careful just pissed Watanuki off more, but he ground out, “Yes, I’m done!” and spun around to face him.

His boyfriend was gripping the edge of the counter like it was all that was holding him in place, the only indication he was feeling anything at all. His face was smooth, placid even, but his white knuckles gave it away. He was split between staying or leaving, he was afraid to stick around but more afraid to leave. The sight of it made Watanuki waver, and going from hot and heavy to bickering about getting hot and heavy so fast didn’t leave enough blood in Watanuki’s brain to process it all correctly, and he blushed just remembering what started the fight in the first place.

Doumeki took a breath and let it out slowly. “You’re right. I wasn’t giving you enough credit. I’m sorry.” His eyes slid away. “But sometimes it feels like I’m only your boyfriend when we’re here, and it hurts.” He looked up again. “I know I agreed to the compromise, but it still hurts.”

All of Watanuki’s anger melted away, and he took the three steps to close the gap between them and raised one hand to rest on Doumeki’s chin so he could keep looking in his eyes. “I’m sorry, too. I lost my temper. Like always.” A slight smile flickered across Doumeki’s face. “I just want to take things slow. Here, too, in private. I get ahead of myself sometimes.”

“Tell me about it,” Doumeki muttered.

He cradled his cheek and leaned up to kiss him, because if he didn’t, he would smack him. “I don’t want to miss anything by going too fast.”

“I don’t want to hurt you,” he felt Doumeki swallow against his cheek as he wrapped his arms around the archer’s chest. “I don’t know what I’d do if I hurt you somehow. If I lost control. I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself.”

He will never, ever stop surprising me, Watanuki thought as the lump in his throat returned.

there is a darkness deep in you
a frightening magic I cling to

It was always so damned hard to keep his mouth shut around Watanuki. Every time he opened it, things he meant but shouldn’t say popped out, like, So we each carry half the burden, right? and You can forget on your own, and the one he could feel creeping up on him, the reason he had this problem in the first place, I love you. Doumeki leaned into Watanuki’s embrace and buried his nose in his hair, breathing him in and trying to grasp the simple things again. You don’t realize the power you have over me, do you? But that might be for the best. He was already a goner, but if Watanuki was ever to destroy him – if he managed not to destroy himself first – it would be better if he at least didn’t understand he was doing it. So he let his boyfriend hold him fiercely and kept his mouth shut, because god only knew what would come out of it next.

“Thank you,” Watanuki muttered into his chest. “For taking me out. And agreeing to the compromise.” Then, quieter, “And for being honest with me.”

But Doumeki couldn’t imagine being anything else. It was so involuntary it was scary.

He leaned back to look at Watanuki, rubbing his thumb across his cheekbone, those blue-and-gold eyes making him crazy, all the time, in so many ways. “So we take it slower? In public and in private?”

Watanuki nodded, his face sliding against Doumeki’s hand, making his stomach tremble with the closeness of it. “I think that’s a good idea. Mostly. The night fair was fun.” He blushed as the kettle began to whine, and turned to remove it from the burner. “The rest of the night was good, too. Don’t get me wrong.”

Doumeki had to chuckle. “I agree.” He could feel the words-that-can’t-be-said-yet fluttering up, crafty and dangerous and too soon, and managed to replace them with, “There’s no one else I’d want to discover this with.”

it’s so clear now that you are all that I have
I have no fear ‘cause you are all that I have

Watanuki barely avoided pouring boiling water all over his hands. The things that come out of his mouth. “Me too.” He served tea, and they retreated back to the sitting room to start a game of mahjongg. Doumeki deadpanned ghost stories to make Watanuki laugh, and the game ended in a stale-mate make-out session, albeit more careful than the previous one. As he leaned against Doumeki’s chest just to hear him breathe, he thought about how scared Doumeki used to make him. Still did make him. He was never afraid of him, but of what he meant: first, a potential rival for Himawari’s doomed affections, then a constant reminder of his vulnerability, his inability to fix himself. Next he became afraid of how he needed him, and how that need was changing from a reliable rescue to a blossoming friendship then to this, this delicious, raw craving for gold eyes and the touch of scarred hands that was keeping him up at night. Watanuki was scared he was falling in love and, if he did that, he’d lose everything again. So he just listened to Doumeki’s heartbeat and was glad that this time the turmoil was emotional, not physical, because he understood too well what it was like to be lost at the idea of losing someone over your own dumb, personal, irredeemable flaws.

But he had work tomorrow afternoon, and homework to finish tonight, so he walked Doumeki to the door at a decent hour for the weekend. “I miss you already,” he said against their goodnight kiss.

“I’ll call you,” Doumeki promised as he put on his shoes.

Watanuki opened the door. “When?” he asked, because phone conversations weren’t a regular thing for him and he wasn’t sure how well he’d do hearing Doumeki’s voice but unable to reach the lips it came from.

“Soon,” was all he said before giving him a swift kiss and trotting down the hallway, out of sight too quickly. Watanuki shut the door and stared blankly at his apartment. Homework seemed impossible. The place was just too empty. No heat, no laughter, no frustration of all kinds. No molten eyes, callused hands, or broad shoulders taking up too much space. No bass voice muttering confessions, cracking dry jokes, no deep-throated mmms at Watanuki’s wandering hands. It made his palms itch for more.

He shook his head against all the thoughts tumbling inside it and went to get ready for bed. As he pulled a t-shirt over his head, exactly ten minutes after Doumeki left – the time it took to jog between his apartment and the temple – the phone began to ring. Watanuki reached for it and turned off the light, iron-winged butterflies threatening again. “Hello?” He was unable to keep the smile from his voice.

“Oi,” came the response, and Watanuki laid down on his futon in the dark.

“I missed you,” he told Doumeki, and meant it.

it’s so clear now that you are all that I have
I have no fear ‘cause you are all that I have

(If love doesn’t frighten you, then it’s not love.)

Back with a Bang (sorta)

Sun, 30 Aug 2009 01:09:21 GMT

My friend beseeched me for porn, specifically Firefly porn. It's the most comprehensive fan-fiction I've written lately, so I figured I'd share it if anyone was interested. I make no overtures to the quality or charactization. Firefly is not my normal dig.

Title: Rough
Rating: NC-17, people.
Word count: 1,485
Spoilers! Serenity spoilers.
It all belongs to Joss Whedon, blah blah blah.
WARNING. This is porn. Don't wanna read it, don't clicky the linky.

He came into her shuttle at a very inopportune time.

She was thinking of the men; all of them, good and bad and tender and needy, and of which ones she wished she had another night with and which ones she would refuse future requests for her time. It was a process steeped deeply into her self-awareness: what she had enjoyed and what she had not.

And then Mal came in, without knocking as usual, the picture of everything she wanted and hated.

It had been months since Wash’s death. Mal showed nothing. Inara believed he refused to grieve, thinking Zoe was grieving enough for the whole ship. His face bore a perpetual pinched expression – too tight to be natural. He was trying so hard and it made her want to kill him.

Inara was surprised to see him. They were docked on some mid-territory planet; it had enough provisions to restock, enough distractions to spend their money on, and was close enough to the outskirts to avoid Alliance patrols. She would’ve thought he would be out, glued to Zoe’s side like he’d been lately. But, as it also happened, they were the only ones onboard.

His face made her heart just ache. So she didn’t spit vitriolic demands that he leave, or question his choice of planetary bodies, or pre-empt his name-calling tendencies. Instead, she offered him tea.

He accepted, barely.

Inara served it to him like she did with her clients – they were lingering in her mind – and sat at his feet, on the floor.

He scowled down at her. “What the hell’s with that?”

“What?” Her eyebrows drew together. “Do you not like tea?”

His scowl because a basilisk’s glare. “I’m not one of your damned…” She raised an eyebrow, waiting for his choice of noun. “Your damned….”

“Men?”

“That’ll do.” She rose to her feet, circled behind him. His shoulders were strung so tight. She reached down, pressed her fingertips into the tops of his shoulders, finding a rhythm to soothe it away. He twitched away from her. “What the hell are you doing?”

“Shut up and enjoy, Mal.”

“No,” he set down the tea, turned to grab her hand. “I’m not one of your damned men.”

His fingers were rough against hers, callused and warm and clinging. She dropped her other hand away from him. His face was stormy. “Why aren’t you out with the rest of the crew?”

That gave him pause. He opened his mouth, closed it, opened it again. It made her giggle, and he gave her a sharp look. “I just didn’t feel like it, that’s all.”

“Why’d you come into my shuttle?” He hadn’t let go of her hand, and she was beginning to feel a little drunk from it. How often did Mal touch her?

“I just… felt like it.”

“No reason?”

He stared up at her, stormy face turning sharper. He could look right through her sometimes, like she wasn’t really there, but this was very, very focused. “No gorram reason, okay?”

She squeezed his fingers. He pulled his hand away. So she circled again, sitting on the couch beside him. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“No.” He gazed past her, stone-faced. “I don’t want to talk at all.”

“Well, that’ll be a nice change,” she quipped, and he leaned forward and kissed her.

It was rough, like everything else about him. It was confident, like many men before him. It was a little out-of-practice, like many of her clients were. But none of the other men had been him.

He cupped the back of her head, keeping her in place as he kissed her. How long had it been since her stomach backflipped like a teenager? Since a man kissed her without knowing where it would lead? She began to kiss back, eager for that feeling, where is this going, should we even be doing this, why does he tastes so wonderful, and she let herself reach out and grip those hardened shoulders, carrying more than he’d admit.

Then he pulled away and stood so fast it made her head spin. He pivoted toward the door, glanced down at her, and then took a step. All her breath came out in a whoosh and she stared up at him. “Sorry,” he muttered, reaching up and rubbing the back of his neck. “I’ll leave.”

The bashful motion made that want stir even more. “Why?”

He blinked, looking away from her. “I don’t want to be another of your men.” He spat the last word out like it was poison.

She stood, a mere foot from him, resisting the urge to grab him by the collar and shake him. “You won’t be.” He shot her that what the hell does that mean? glance again. “You can’t be.” She shook her head. “You’re not like any of them.”

“I’m definitely a man.”

“Yes, you are,” it was her turn to scowl. “But you’re rough.”

His eyes twinkled, just a bit. “You like it rough?”

She considered him. “Only when it’s you.”

He reached for her again, pulled her flush against his chest. She raised her face just as he crushed his mouth to hers, and she nipped his lip, hands already reaching to unwork the buttons of his shirt. He groaned as her fingertips pressed into his chest, and he gripped her hips tight to his. He smelled like oil and sweat and canvas, and she could feel him hard against her stomach. How long, how long have I wanted this, how long has it been since I first wanted him. Because all of the men that weren’t him, the ones she’d reconsidered, they all had his traits: cocky, quick to temper, ignorantly chivalrous, but not once had she even considered them rough. She’d never trusted them to be rough.

She shoved him onto the couch, half from irritation and half from desire. He reached up, yanked on her arm, and she tumbled onto him. Her skirts rode up and she positioned so she was straddling him, staring down at his exposed chest, flamed eyes, bruised mouth. His hands were practically tearing at her belt, and he growled at her. “How many damned layers do you have?”

She laughed, and he caught his breath from the way it made her slide against him. So she kept doing it – slowly, up and down, her knees gripping his hips – and she felt a button pop off her skirt as he wrenched it. He arched into her motion, making her gasp. Soon, all the buttons on her clothing were scattered on the fabric around them, and he paused a moment to take in the full sight of her, skin flushed and breath fast. He finally lifted his eyes to hers and said, “Do you want this?”

She nodded, and he leaned forward to bite the swell of her breast. Her vision hazed over, and she was suddenly not content at all with the feel of him through the cloth of his pants. She shimmied to one side to tear at them, kissing him as he lifted his hips so she could slide his pants and boxers away. She took him in her hand, stroking until he whimpered against her lips. “You don’t want to be like the others?”

“No,” then he threw his head back against the couch, “God, no.”

She leaned back to look him in the eye. “Then let me stay on top, gorramit.”

He gripped her wrists as she straddled him again, sliding again, no barriers this time, until she couldn’t stand it anymore and his breath was hitching like ticking time bomb. She lifted her hips and slid herself down onto him, and the sensation almost made her blackout, sharp and quick and rough, and then he took over the motion to grip her hips hard enough to leave bruises, pounding into her with a grunt each stroke, and she left scratch marks down his chest when she came so hard it made her vision swim. When she finished shuddering against him, he was staring at her, still hard inside her, and gripped the back of her neck to kiss her again. “Not like the others,” he whispered, and it wasn’t a question. Each word became a movement, and she whispered back, “No, Mal, no, Mal,” and then he thrust so hard she could feel it in her spine as she said his name.

She collapsed against him, legs giving out, her forehead against his shoulder, and his grip on her hips became a loop around her waist to keep them together. He kissed her exposed shoulder, her skirt a pool around them, and whispered, “You know, Inara, I could go for that shoulder rub now,” and she pulled back and smacked him on the arm.

“What?” He said, oblivious, and she settled against him, thinking, Rough. Just how I like it.

Work.

Wed, 06 May 2009 21:48:48 GMT

Writing a love scene while at work is an awkward experience. Considering I find it hard to write anywhere other than home or in the Burger King's lobby when it's closed, I am proud for managing it.

So, uh...

Sat, 30 Aug 2008 01:23:36 GMT

*guilty face*

So a few messages have inspired to me actually post, because if there's one person wondering where the hell I've been, there's probably more.

In any case, pretty much all of my writing is on hiatus at the moment, since I've gotten a new job (which is awesome) that pays less than my old job (that part isn't as awesome) so I've been working an average of fifty hours a week between the two of them to continue making ends meet, not the mention I have a commute to the new job. Tack on social obligations, sleeping, eating, and other life functions, and I've had zero time for the internet. I should be doing other stuff even now. Anyone who raises kids, holds down a job, keeps a relationship afloat, and still has time to contribute to their fandoms deserves respect. Same goes from anyone in school!

I haven't been neglecting to comment on your stories because I hate you or anything; the internet has just fallen to the bottom of my priority pile. Hopefully in a few months I'll be able to quit my old job and free up some time, especially since I'm seriously considering going back to school... Okay, you are not here to listen to my blather on about real life, you want fiction, and I have none to offer. I am sorry.

FST DUMP!

Thu, 24 Apr 2008 06:17:28 GMT

Been planning on posting these for a while, but totally forgot about them. Hope you enjoy!

Without A Noise, Without My Pride: A Doumeki x Watanuki FST

1) Waiting for the World to Fall - Jars of Clay
it just might make the life I lead/ a little more than make-believe/ when all my skies are painted blue/ and all the clouds don't ever change the shape of who I am to you

For some reason, this song just screams "WATANUKI!" at me. In that melancholy yet hopeful sort of way.

2) Out of Line - Buckcherry
I will sacrifice, I promise I’ll behave/ I’ll keep my head high/ I’ll keep my foot out of the grave/ and I'm still out of line/ when it comes to you

Spider's-eye arc, anyone? God, I love protective, edge-of-control Doumeki.

3) Never Let You Down - Verve Pipe
Since I’ve met you I am past the hardest part/ so remember one thing/ I will never let you down

Again, Doumeki. In the vein of "Where's my thank-you gift?". :D

4) Sword and Shield - Sister Hazel
I will be there/ I will be the smallest piece in everything/ and I would give my life before I break this promise to you

I will never get over the sight of Doumeki, slumped and bloody, sitting outside Watanuki's door. Ever.

5) Signal Fire - Snow Patrol
All I wanted just sped right past me/ while I was rooted fast to the earth/ I could be stuck here for a thousand years/ without your arms to drag me out

All I can say: a ribbon in the rain for ten hours.

6) Do I Have To Say The Words? - Bryan Adams
I don't wanna let you go/ so I'm standing in your way/ I never needed anyone like I'm needin' you today

I &hearts subtext. A lot. And I can totally see Doumeki serenading Watanuki with this song.

7) Train Wreck - Sarah McLachlan
Would your eyes like midnight fireflies/ light up the trenches where my heart lies/ until I can see again/ to find my way back again

Another Watanuki song. He just begs to be saved. And the description of "eyes like midnight fireflies" fits Doumeki so well. If they were ever to admit to feelings, especially right after a rescuing, this song would be playing in the background.

8) Realize - Colbie Caillat
Take time to realize/ that I am on your side/ didn't I, didn't I tell you/ but I can't spell it out for you/ no it's never gonna be that simple/ no I cant spell it out for you

This just reminds of that tentative balance they have: not quite friendship, not quite anything more, and definitely not balanced.

9) Try Again - Keane
But I was made the way I am/ I'm not a stone; I'm just a man/ lay down your arms and I will lay down mine/ rip back the time that we've been wasting

They've changed so much over the course of the series, yet sometimes they still cling to old familiar habits; the bickering, the snarky comments, the avoidance of anything that resembles communication. I can see Doumeki, staring at the ceiling, wishing he could get up and go to Watanuki, but won't let himself. With this song playing in the background.

10) That's What You Get - Paramore
I wonder how am I supposed to feel when you're not here?/ cause I burned every bridge I ever built when you were here/ I still try holding onto silly things, I never learn

Watanuki lamenting how he got into this situation with Doumeki in the first place. :D

11) All For You - Sister Hazel
It's hard to say what it is I see in you/ wonder if I'll always be with you/ but words can't say, and I can't do/ enough to prove it's all for you

This one is equal parts Doumeki and Watanuki. The how long are we going to be thrown in together? finally transforming into I wouldn't have it any other way.

12) Seven - Vagiant
I got your back until I die/ I don't care if you don't want me sticking by/ I'll keep ten feet behind just to walk you home

Gotta take this one with a grain of salt - but I can totally see Doumeki singing this song to Watanuki when he's uncontrollably drunk. He'd have to be.

13) In Your Eyes - Peter Gabriel
all my instincts, they return/ and the grand facade, so soon will burn/ without a noise, without my pride/ I reach out from the inside

Because Doumeki will do anything to keep Watanuki from disappearing.

DL @ : Mediafire - Megaupload

1) Never Too Late - Three Days Grace
I have left alone/ everything that I own/ to make you feel like it's not too late/ it's never too late

I &hearts Kurogane so much, and he tries so hard to keep his little family together, through everything, at all costs. He just wants Fai to realize he's part of that, too.

2) Invincible - Muse
But please, please let's use this chance/ to turn things around/ and tonight we can truly say/ together we're invincible

This is a chapter 167 song - after that, with everything out in the open, they're so much more together than before. Side by side. Standing as partners again.

3) Circle - Sarah McLachlan
what kind of love is this that keeps me hanging on/ despite everything it's doing to me?/ what is this love that keeps me coming back for more/ when it will only end in misery?

Fai, wondering why he's letting himself get so close. It also reminds me of Fai and Ashura in Celes, especially the first verse.

4) All The Same - Sick Puppies
I don't care, no I wouldn't dare/ to fix the twist in you/ you've shown me eventually what you'll do/ I don't mind, I don't care/ as long as you're here

Kurogane tries so hard to make it clear to Fai that he doesn't need to hide his past - not only does he see right through it, it doesn't matter to him.

5) Trouble - Shawn Colvin
Now I know the business of the heart/ and it'll get you anyway it can/ you need someone to walk with in the dark, well/ I'm your man

Because they really are the parents. They're partners, they keep Syaoran and Sakura both going with their encouragement, and yet they are both troubled in their own way. And they will both go to the trouble for each other.

6) Please Forgive Me - David Gray
Throw a stone and watch the ripples flow/ moving out across the bay/ like a stone I fall into your eyes/ deep into that mystery/ deep into some mystery

Because they don't know what they're getting into, and neither of them would take it back. That much is obvious by this point in the series. Also, Fai and his flirting - he can't help it! :D

7) Over And Over - Three Days Grace
So here I go again/ chasing you down again/ why do I do this?/ over and over, over and over/ I fall for you

We all know neither of them can stay away, no matter how hard they try.

8) Is It Any Wonder? - Keane
It’s so long, that now I think I was wrong/ and you were laughing along/ and now I look a fool for thinking you were on my side

I can see Kurogane thinking this sort of thing in Infinity - How long must his lies go on? It's a bit jaded and a bit sardonic, and I bet Kurogane felt this way more than once during their journey.

9) Frail - Jars of Clay
Convinced of my deception/ I've always been a fool/ I fear this love reaction/ just like you said I would

A Fai song. Damn you, FWR, damn you to hell.

10) Savin' Me - Nickelback
Say it for me/ say it to me/ and I'll leave this life behind me/ say it if it's worth saving me

Fai just wants to be whisked away, carried off to a place of peace.

11) You Fight Me - Breaking Benjamin
I don't know what I want to be yet/ but I can show that I need to see this/ no time for lies and empty fights/ I'm on your side

This song just reminds me of that scene in acid!Tokyo, when Kurogane is desperate to keep Fai alive when Fai doesn't want him to. It's their whole relationship falling apart, right in front of his eyes - I can't imagine how much it hurt Kurogane to hear just his name when Fai woke up.

12) Sleep With Your Soul In - Alive In Wild Paint
While things you never thought you’d do/ and paths you never thought you’d choose/ are becoming all that you have left/ when you start feeling like a stranger to yourself/ and missing who you were before you became someone else/ I’ll be sleeping with my soul in/ scared to death you’re waking up to nothing again

This song reminds me mostly of Fai and how he was trying so hard to be something he wasn't. But it also brings to mind all those unspoken acknowledgments between him and Kurogane, all the things Fai never said that Kurogane understood anyway, much to his dismay.

Bonus Fai/Yuui song! Could It Be Any Harder - The Calling
I lie down and blind myself with laughter/ a quick fix of hope is what I'm needing/ and how I wish that I could turn back the hours/ but I know I just don't have the power

This song just reminds me of them, so close and unwilling to be parted, and how tragic it all ended up. ;_; It makes me want to cuddle them both.

DL @: Mediafire - Megaupload

Book suggestions?

Sat, 19 Apr 2008 05:23:56 GMT

...Annnnd suddenly I find myself bereft of a good fiction read. Have plenty of non-fiction since I'm currently reading three of them, but I always need fiction. So, flist, any suggestions? :D I'm always up for fantasy, light-hearted, sub-texty romance, and beautifully crafted worlds.

I think I've fallen off the manga bandwagon for the moment, although webcomics have become a new addiction. Specifically Questionable Content. Now I want my best friend to open up a coffee shop called Coffee of Doom someday so I can have a bookstore called Book of Horrors right next to it. With a door in between so you can wander back and forth.

Yeah, May's going to be a rough month for me, as my three best friends will be moving out of town. (Not to mention all three of them are co-workers, reducing the work=fun quotient.) I may be around more often then, hopefully not dipping back into life-sucking depression, and turning spare time/energy into fics or something. :/ With any stroke of luck (and please, whatever deities will listen, I wouldn't mind one around now) I will land the job at the library, quit the one I'm so burned out on, and not fall back into a cycle of chocolate and loneliness. Also, please to be stopping the freaky nightmares, subconscious? Kthxbai.

So pretty...

Sat, 29 Mar 2008 06:44:28 GMT

Just saw one of the cut-scenes from Crisis Core on my brother's PSP, and god, it's gorgeous. And now I kinda wanna play it. >_< WILL NOT GIVE IN. That's a lot of money for a game that's more likely to create more plotholes than resolve them. Plus, GACKT/GENESIS. I won't be able to stop giggling at how ridiculous that is. BUT THE CG IS SO BEAUTIFUL AND IT'S SEPHIROTH BEING ~~almost~~ HUMAN. AND NINE-YEAR-OLD YUFFIE. Maybe I'll just borrow it when he's done. Yes, that will work. ~~But oh, how the canon hurts. I don't think it can take anymore.~~

Ten hour shift + wandering around the block several times at eleven p.m. trying to figure out where my husband parked my car = cranky, cranky, cranky. Now that I have consumed an entire box of macaroni and cheese, it is time for bed.

EDIT: All my friends save one are enjoying the local con, and spamming me with pictures of cosplayers and fanart and themselves having immense amounts of fun. But I'm getting a bunch of random stuff (they won't tell me what they bought) and three DoumekixWatanuki doushinji out of it. And some random vendor called me a crazy yaoi fangirl over my friend's phone while she was trying to figure out which doushinji to buy me. One of which has been scanned, and two I've never seen before, so... But I'm grateful to have such awesome, crazy, and wonderful friends, yes.

I am such a sucker.

Tue, 25 Mar 2008 00:26:43 GMT

This song makes me want to play Final Fantasy VI. I know that re-releasing the Final Fantasy games is just a way for Squeenix to make money off something they've already done (a million times over) but god I wish they'd remake this for the DS like they've done for III and IV. I loved the SNES games, they're so iconic of my childhood that I don't care how shitty the gameplay is, or how lame the plot is from an adult perspective, or how cheesy the dialogue, I would play them over and over again just for the nostalgic rush. Sometimes I think the characters are so much better than anything after that - before they realized how many people would buy the games just because it's Final Fantasy.

*wanders off to see if she can find the PSone release on eBay*

ALSO: I really need to stop shopping online. Amazon has Final Fantasy Anthology, but if I spend 5 more dollars I get free shipping, so might as well get The Dark Tower Concordance, too, and oh look, Looking For Group has new merchandise! *headdesk* My almost-paid-off credit card does not thank me for this.

content strike!

Thu, 20 Mar 2008 19:50:21 GMT

For the record, I am participating in the content strike, and I hope everyone can curb the LJ addiction for one day to do the same! (Seriously, guys, it's high time we did something.)

Dear lj: you suck.

Thu, 20 Mar 2008 02:30:51 GMT

Just switched both my accounts back to basic while I still can! And have registered as vinval at InsaneJournal, if anyone wishes to friend. :-) Although I haven't even bothered to fill in my profile or anything yet. I will once my three-day-weekend kicks in. Yay!

I just finished typing up a scene from a story idea that's been kicking around in my head for a while, and was wondering if anyone would read it and give me some hard-core crit if I posted it? Because while I love fan-fiction, if I decide I want to get serious about getting published, I'm going to need to get my technique torn up, down, and sideways.

Bad news for me.

Sun, 16 Mar 2008 23:14:57 GMT

~~Internet is down for unspecified period of time. Posting from brother's computer which hates me. So, um, see you around eventually?~~

MAR. 19th: Of course, as soon as I post this, it gets fixed that night.

whaaa?

Wed, 12 Mar 2008 18:56:17 GMT

Holy cow, I just noticed somebody anonymously linked a Smashing Pumpkins album download to Because Love 9 as a Christmas present. How did I miss this? If you're part of my flist, thank you! Sorry I'm so unobservant, I don't know how I missed it.

Scan help?

Tue, 11 Mar 2008 06:59:51 GMT

godamnit, I am having the hardest time finding colored scans of xxxHolic. Surfing LJ and deviantART has yielded very, very little and since I have no artistic abilities, doing it myself is out.

So I guess I'm asking if anyone could point me in the right direction? Or give me searching tips? I really have no idea what I'm doing on the internet anymore.

EDIT: Oh! And if you're into Naruto at all, please watch this and comment! My friend made this AMV and it's awesome (and I don't even watch Naruto) and she needs more love for her amazingness, since I know she spent three sleepless, foodless days trying to make it perfect. Please?

I will shut up about RL soon, I swear.

Sun, 09 Mar 2008 22:05:19 GMT

TODAY = MALICIOUS GLEE.

SERIOUSLY, SERIOUSLY GUYS THIS IS THE BEST DAY I'VE HAD IN MONTHS. HE'S GETTING FIRED FOR MAKING RACIST COMMENTS IN AN ATTEMPT TO GET SENT HOME EARLY. SERIOUSLY, SERIOUSLY, HE'S GETTING FIRED IT HAS ONLY TAKEN TWO YEARS OF GENERAL INCOMPETENCY AND RACISM FOR US TO EVOLVE TO THIS LEVEL.

Rant rant rant.

Fri, 07 Mar 2008 07:27:52 GMT

"Republicans decried the bill [that grants more rights in same-sex domestic partnerships] for whittling away at the institution of marriage, saying the deterioration of marriage between a man and a woman would lead to a rise in crime, juvenile delinquency, and parents working long hours."

...Bweh? WTF? How will granting same-sex couples the right to hold shared bank accounts and common property suddenly make our youth start raping and pillaging on the streets? Or force parents to work long hours? (Our failing economy is doing that already, thank you Mr. President.)

And it goes on: " 'This bill practically increases the number of rights to domestic partners... That's exactly what I'm afraid of. Once we go that far, marriage will become meaningless,' said Sen. Dan Swecker."

Sorry, but Britney's 24-hour marriage didn't already do this? In fact, I think it will make marriage more meaningful because it's about love and partnership. I've known plenty of people who have gotten married and then divorced within a few years - there's no sanctity there. People get married for all sorts of reason these days: money, sex, stupidity, property, revenge. God forbid we actually let people who love each other get married - what would be next, free health care? We can't just give away these rights to just anybody, you know! Then some people wouldn't be more equal than others!

*headdeskheaddeskheaddesk* The good news is, the bill is expected to get the a-okay from the governor and become law. TAKE THAT HAHAHAHA.

Safe Under My Umbrella [Doumeki Perspective, Cha 106]

Thu, 06 Mar 2008 05:38:26 GMT

Title: Safe Under My Umbrella
Rating: PG
Word Count: 744
Summary: Doumeki knows the storm that threatens ahead.
Disclaimer: Characters and situation spawned and owned by CLAMP.
Notes: Big thank yous to baka_taru and caleb_moss for the beta and feedback!

You are standing in the courtyard of the temple, talking to the girl you met at the cherry tree in the park. I know you well enough by now – the kettle’s on, an umbrella’s by the door, the heater in the guest room has been cranked high. The rain pours outside, a near-solid curtain hazing my vision, but only through one eye. The other clearly sees the expression that crosses her face as you offer her your umbrella; you’re a gentleman to the end, Watanuki, except with me – but I’ve come to grow fond of that, as well. It means that however much you hide it, I’m different to you. Of course, it’s just like you to hand over something so small but so precious in the strangest of ways: an eye, a smile, a kind word. None of them are given to me, save the eye, and that is something I will never, never forget.

She passes through the gate, your umbrella keeping the rain off her small figure. Your hand is raised in a cheerful goodbye. I’m already half-way to you, unnoticed; the look on your face is sheer, quiet determination, and the phantom, long-buried pain of loneliness. She could do worse than to have you as a friend, and I’d give up more than an eye to convince you of it.

“They say that fools never catch colds, but…” It makes the words snag in my throat to see you absolutely absent of irritation at my opening words, “I think idiots can catch them.” My umbrella can’t cover us both – but I like the rain.

“Who are you calling an idiot?”

Anything but that face. Her pain is not yours, no matter how hard you wish it. “…Idiot.”

Eventually, I get you inside and into warm, dry clothes with hardly a protest. As I stand in the kitchen steeping Grandfather’s favorite blend of tea, I think about that little girl. Kohane-chan, you called her – I can’t miss the significance of it. You’ve made your decision; she’s under your wing. You’re going to do everything you can to help her, absolutely everything, but even if you haven’t learned your lesson, I have. Go ahead and give it everything, Watanuki, as long as you’re ready to accept my sacrifices as steadily as you hand out yours.

I bring you the tea and reassure you the woman in the tree will be taken care of properly. I can’t guarantee that it will be what makes her finally pass; you seemed surprised that I can do that sort of thing, but then again I forget I am not just temple priest to you. The fact that I can still see her tells me you’re still upset, still shaken. I’ve adapted to our newest connection even if you haven’t – as with so many other things, I’ve discovered.

“Doumeki… What does your family normally call you?”

Ah, the power of names; not the subject I thought you’d bring up. You haven’t told me enough of my shortcomings in the past twenty minutes. “Shizuka.”

“Your first name.” I nod. “Me, too.” You hesitate, and I can’t help but wish there was a way to ease this for you. “When my parents were alive, they called me Kimihiro.”

This moment is so rare – you never confide in me – that the seriousness of it makes my stomach clench in knots. I haven’t lost all of the anger from your all-too-recent and foolish actions, and now I recall it, just enough of it to make me focus the determination to ride out another storm. If you must protect her, I will protect you. And I will try my best to respect your choice, and to give you a safe harbor to come back to, a place under my umbrella.

But if you ever pull a stupid, reckless move like you did with your eye again, so help me but I can’t walk away from you. You could do whatever you damned well pleased and here I would be, perpetually trying to make you realize you’re worth something – to Yuuko, to Kunogi, and now to Kohane.

And to me.

And so I reaffirm my diligence, adding a lonely little girl’s name to the list of people I’ll be keeping an eye out for, whether in harm or help. But the anger, the drive, the constant sap on my patience and concentration and sanity – that’s all for you. We walk new ground now, and no matter what you pursue, I’m going to be one step from your side.

Always.

I just got my xxxHolic volume 11 in the mail. Goddamn I forgot how much I loved half those scenes.

So!

Thu, 28 Feb 2008 06:23:12 GMT

Anyone up for a short beta for me? :D It's only about 700 words. xxxHolic.

Meanwhile, Jennifer Roberson's Sword-dancer series has been rekindling my love of fantasy novels. I have been shameless neglecting just about everything to read.

ugh.

Sun, 24 Feb 2008 01:28:34 GMT

I seriously need some feel-good reading material, guys. Preferably somewhat short and sweet. I've got three hours before he comes home and I can tell him the bad news and we can figure out what's next, and I need some serious, Prozac-strength distraction.

Link me, please! *begs*

I will never grow tired of Vincent, ever.

Sun, 03 Feb 2008 00:26:09 GMT

askjahd I love my friends because they find me this sort of squeeness. *does the fangirl-happy-dance* This is the friend that, while in Bolivia, bought me a Vincent figure (it has to be a fake because, well, everything there was pirated shit), and I have it positioned on my bookshelf where I can see it from every angle of the room. *takes a couple of deep breaths* Ok, I'm calm now, I promise.

*scans deviantart for more* Stop making him look like a woman, guys, please? long hair =//= feminine, necessarily.

grrrr!

Thu, 31 Jan 2008 20:35:25 GMT

DAMNIT BRAIN WHY MUST YOU GIVE ME MIDDLES BUT NO BEGINNINGS AND YET STILL REJECT THE SONG I'VE CHOSEN EVEN THOUGH IT WORKS. DAMNITDAMNITDAMNIT I'VE ONLY GOT AN HOUR BEFORE WORK WHY COULDN'T YOU THINK THIS UP LAST NIGHT? >_

This is me resisting the urge to play FFXII.

Thu, 24 Jan 2008 19:49:17 GMT

I love that slightly-concerned-yet-determined face of Doumeki's. How can anyone say he's expressionless? They just don't have an appreciation for the nuances of introverted men. And Watanuki gets definite points for both "You march right in there and get what I need, now" and "Damn it, Hitsuzen, not again." GO SAVE HER, BOYS!

I am so worried, guys, I haven't fretted like this over manga in weeks. Syaoran, can't you see? You can't bring her back, she's gone and that's just what FWR wants you to think. Goddamnit, CLAMP. I blame you for everything.

Bah. I really don't want to go to work. It's too cold outside to walk.

I need tea. *wanders off*

wanking and TRC drabble.

Sun, 20 Jan 2008 01:25:23 GMT

Damn job, damn roommate, damn stupid people for thinking less of me for not denying friendship based on age difference. But on the up side, vegging on FFXII and Rock Band is great therapy.

Here's that K/F Tsubasa drabble I was rambling about last time. I swear to god it's the only thing I've written in two months, so pardon the triteness of it.

Vulnerability

It was something he hadn’t felt in a long while. No, Kurogane didn’t take much stock in vulnerability. But it occurred to him that it may have been his issue with Fai all along. To Kurogane, vulnerability meant weakness, and weakness was a flaw. Well, he didn’t believe any of that bullshit any more. His jaw hurt just enough to make it hurt to smile; he did it anyway. When he started laughing at himself, Fai’s amused determination melted in puzzlement, which only made Kurogane laugh harder.

He reached up with his lone hand and dragged Fai down against him. He was light as a wisp of smoke, that man, making him careful when he’d held him, the once. That night in Yama country when he’d whispered over and over again that it would be all right, whatever he’d been running from would never manage to hurt him, not while he was around, planting his lips against Fai’s slight shoulders in between his mutterings. He’d only said it because he knew Fai didn’t understand a word of it.

So maybe he did know something of vulnerability, after all.

Fai was stiff against him, still unable to relax. “Kuro–“

“Shut up,” Kurogane growled in his ear, “I missed you.”

Fai slumped a little, his hands coming to rest against Kurogane’s ribcage. “I missed you, too.”

Fai rested his forehead to his shoulder, and Kurogane reveled in the quiet embrace while he could. Knowing Fai, it wouldn’t last long.

“Did you mean what you said in Yama?” Fai whispered. “About protecting me?”

He nodded, stunned that his words had been understood. He should've known Fai would be tricky like that.

“Because I don’t need it. Not anymore. But I liked hearing it.” Fai pulled his face away, tilting it up, trace of a smile flickering. “Will you say it again?” He leaned close enough that Kurogane caught the scent of his skin. “All of it?”

“Hell, yes.” Kurogane slammed his mouth against Fai’s, unable to tolerate the teasing anymore, not after months of it and the one night and then nothing; he’d thought it would all fade to treasured memory. He wrapped his arm around Fai’s waist as he fell back against the bed, and Fai took up the charge eagerly, hands working at the sash at his waist.

“All of it?” Light fingers tickled across ridges between scar and muscle. “All of it?”

“Every last word.” Kurogane promised.

Oh, my.

Thu, 03 Jan 2008 02:41:43 GMT

I totally wrote this short, sweet, ultimately sappy Kuro/Fai thing and went to type it up and WHOOPS it's up at my mother-in-law's locked apartment because my husband took the keys to work with him. ~~Not to mention he didn't feed the cats before he left. The poor, hungry kitties!~~ *fumes* And I find myself completely unable to write fanfiction without my notebook. I need to work on that.

Roommate is watching The Boondock Saints. There is something disturbingly hilarious about William Defoe in drag.

Back to surfing iPod for fst songs.

Update, of a fashion.

Sun, 23 Dec 2007 06:14:45 GMT

I AM ALIVE, I SWEAR.